Playing house


I have no idea how I got here. I spent so much time dating and being single and going through boyfriends and now here I am -- in my late 30's, married and with a baby on the way. Sometimes it doesn't feel real, like I'm playing house.

Last night my husband and I ordered nursery furniture from Pottery Barn. We made a list of things we still need to get from Amazon and discussed the credit cards with the best points to put it on for travel miles and cash back bonuses. We have 401k's and a savings account and talk about stock investments. You'd think, at almost 40, I would feel like a responsible adult and this would all feel normal right now. It does not.

Any moment I wonder when I'm going to wake up. There were times I thought maybe I'll never get married. I wondered if I'd be able to have children -- or get the chance to even try. This baby, so far, seems so healthy and so far I've felt healthy throughout the pregnancy. I'm blessed with good friends, a good job, great health, an attentive spouse who loves me as much as I love him and wants to make me happy (including agreeing to spend a crazy amount on a nursery rocker I fell in love with just so I'd have the thing I wanted).

Six years ago I had absolutely nothing and didn't feel like I fit in anywhere. I had just broken up with a truly terrible person (and I mean truly), moved to San Francisco where I knew no one after putting everything in storage and agreeing to a room the equivalent of Harry Potter's muggle space under the stairs. My roommate had a chore chart and wouldn't allow me to go upstairs while she was working. Her strange, older (and fat) German boyfriend hit on me, making for a very awkward living situation. My family did not approve of my move and loudly gave zero support for it. When I first moved to San Francisco I did odd jobs and had to scrounge in the couches for quarters so I could get enough bus money to go to my next job interview. I had no friends, no job, no life and spent my last amount of savings on moving out and putting up first and last month's rent in a strange, new and expensive city.

I'd rented out the house I'd owned in Utah only to discover those renting from me decided they didn't have to pay me rent and had put a hole in the front door. Of course, I was still on the hook for the mortgage and the bank did not care about my circumstances. On top of that my car was towed because I didn't know there was such a thing as different colors for certain vehicles at parking meters in SF. I needed to come up with $600 in one day or risk losing the car I had at the time. My family, mad at me for my apparently terrible life choices of moving to find a better job and get away from a bad boyfriend, didn't care to help when I asked if I could borrow some money to get me out of what was happening. They blamed me and said it was a sign. I started to wonder if they were right. Life was bleak. It seemed the universe was against me all at once and I felt absolutely helpless and alone.

But here and there I made friends and there were people who came into my life to look after me at the most crucial of times as if some cosmic, loving God really was watching over me after all...and then one day I met Nick and everything just fell into place. I have a husband who truly loves me, a community that supports me, great friends who just gave me the most amazing and fun baby shower this weekend and a baby on the way.

Life is so good right now. I can't believe it. It doesn't feel real but I'm very glad it is.

Life is not what you think it will be. Sometimes it turns out so much better.

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