Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Girl Meets Boy

I met a boy. This boy.
And I never knew I could feel this in love with anyone until I met him.

He's my favorite person.
And he's pretty cute, too.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Weekend at Sarah's

Party of one. This was me today:

Only in leggings and a sweatshirt and hair in messy bun, unwashed for a couple days, lazily slumping in bed on a Downton Abbey bender. To be fair I actually only had a couple glasses of wine, not a whole bottle...Just zero motivation and super tired. Shit day made marvelous by a 2011 Gott pinot and some Downton, Sherlock, Dracula and (the horror) The Only Way is Essex. And I kinda really enjoyed myself.

It was gorgeous outside today, or so I read on Facebook. The sky outside my bedroom window looked an azure blue. Friends invited me to sun with them in the park. I ignored the texts and social network invites. Just because. It's unlike me to be slow to answer texts. I just didn't want to do it. I wanted the world to stop, or go away. Ironically I know I'll wonder where everyone is at some moment. But today I just didn't want to do a damn thing. I feel fat and lazy and ugly and moody and I just wanted to sit with myself. Not much like me at all...but sometimes I think we all need a day. For no reason.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Science and The End - What our internal feelings have to do with aging

Hanging out in the periphery of my conscious life is the feeling that I am one of those lucky folks who will live a very long time. Some folks just know...my younger brother, just for example, would actually say he was going to live a short life or that he thought he would die young. Indeed, he did. He died at the age of 22. We, some of us, just know. Another friend said she thought she'd die in her 40's and that there would be foul play involved. She is not yet 40. Why would she say anything so ghastly? Why would she even consider this thought? We know a lot of things about ourselves, our life, internally. I don't know how, but we do. We have this internal compass, this knowing. And quite a lot we lose our way. We forget what we are here for, we veer off and ignore our internal feelings. Shrug them off and try to carry on...and yet if you think about it, you've no doubt had these thoughts yourself.

Back to the long life span. I'm naturally attracted to research on aging and life extension. I read the Methuselah Factor as a young teen, subscribed to a newsletter and magazine back in the 90's devoted to life extension. My ears perked when Google announced the Calico project (the idea is to basically end death) and am quite taken by this skinny, long-haired, British hippie scientist, Aubrey de Grey:

...and his "longevity escape velocity" theory.

Now, according to 23andMe I possess a genetic code that is supposed to make me look 3 years older than most of my peers. However, if you've ever seen me (or my parents for that matter) you will notice I have very good skin (and so do quite a lot of my family members), despite the science. Part of this is likely my obsession with sunscreen, part of it I'm not sure...good nutrition? Perhaps the genetic test was wrong? What I know for sure is I am not delusional in saying I don't look my age (maybe you do think I'm delusional, or maybe age is a fluid thing and everyone can look younger or older, depending on how you perceive them?).

Let's back up to explain aging here for those unfamiliar with the process. The way you age has to do with something called telomeres. These telomeres protect your chromosomes from deteriorating. Every time your cells regenerate a part of the telomere is "cut". Some people have longer telomeres than others and those with the longer telomeres tend to age more slowly than everyone else.

That's me! Age 35

These are human chromosomes, capped at the end by telomeres (white dots):

We may just be on the brink of ending aging, death, disease for those of us lucky enough to be near the science behind it. But what does this mean for us as a human species and our purpose here on Earth? I believe there is a life beyond this one and that we are on this planet to fulfill certain things to help ourselves grow and develop as spiritual beings. I'm not sure I do believe in reincarnation, but I do believe we get several chances to go back and listen to that internal knowing and get back on our path. We may possibly be permitted to be the first generation able to live 1000 years or more. What does this mean for the planet and for our purposes while we are on it? I absolutely feel it in my blood and in my bones that I was made to live a long time. I feel around 100 years...but is that part of a genetic imprint that I could possibly go well beyond in my own lifetime? Will we, as human beings ever unlock the key of death and free ourselves from the rotting grave via science? Or must we wait for the Christian resurrection to escape the grave and be turned anew (that is, if you believe that is more than just a fairy tale made up to help children cope with death that was then somehow passed on as a reality throughout the generations).

I'm betting on science, but that internal knowing of things we cannot possibly know nags at me, pulls me aside and tells me there is more. That we know things beyond the bounds of science and logic and that each of us is built-in with a purpose here to fulfill if we can only sit still and not worry about our time or the tolling of the bell for us.

Monday, December 16, 2013

Neurons All Go - Dreams may foreshadow the future.

Could our dreams foretell the future? Our subconscious picks up clues, details we are often not aware of in the conscious, waking world and manifests them in our dream life. Passed on through a weird and wild mix of neurons firing, brain chemistry and magic interpretation if only we can remember it all. Last night I had a dream in which my roommate was wearing the latest sports technology. It was clear like glass or plastic but with digital output clearly displayed. It went around the top of her arm and around her shoulders and over her back. I asked if this was the latest technology and was interested in trying it for the new year. She showed me how it worked...then she tried to sit on my lap. I was laughing and suggested maybe I should sit on her lap because she was actually sitting on my stomach, not my lap and it was crushing me. What does any of that mean? Future? Symbolic?

The other night I had a dream my boss said to hang on and that really big things were just around the corner for our company. He was very serious about it. He kept saying to just hang on. I dreamed I vacillated between sitting in his desk when he was gone and sitting in a tiny school desk, lower than everyone else. I kept having to move myself. When I sat across from him and he would leave he would have me sit in his desk and I was in charge of employees who would come to me. But if I went looking for my own desk in the room of people there was only a tiny desk available for me. I kept having to get a better desk for myself because it didn't seem anyone else was thinking about me and my needs for a more normal desk. Deep, some of it very obvious but not entirely clear on other parts...and possibly foreshadowing the future. I dreamed we had 100 employees and a big classroom.

What are your thoughts? Have you had future dreams (meaning dreams that foreshadow your future)? Did they come true?

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Go live in our old house. It's empty now.

I'm at my favorite sandwich shop on Haight, headphones in banging to Juliana Hatfield. Cash only. All vegetarian. 

Clearly it caters to my crunchy alter ego. 

Let me tell you about last night. I keep having dreams about my family. This one involved me in Austin, TX in a great apartment. My parents visit, realize it's warm, wonderful and somehow close to my grandparents (who are dead) and decide to move there. In order to move they decide I will switch homes with them and I will move back to our old house in the Avenues (which we don't own anymore). Somehow the house is also in a dangerous neighborhood. It's now up to me to take care if the house, furnish and clean it and find roommates to help pay the mortgage. It's an unfair trade...and the parents are being jerks about it. Then, like I do, I woke up.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Pants Are Overrated

Even Google agrees with me! 

I love me some pants...and tights and leggings. Winter is coming, after all. But lately I've been missing the wearing of a nice dress. We don't dress up so much here in SF. So I've decided to wear dresses when going out, just to kick it up a notch. I may define dresses as skirts...and some of them may just be long shirts with leggings instead...but mostly dresses. I have quite a few I never wear anymore. It's time to bring them out for some fun time. 

Friday, November 01, 2013

I can haz sleep now?

Got maybe two hours of sleep. Can't sleep. Too much thinking. Also had to untag myself from any inappropriate pics from Halloween parties. Most of it was okay though there were a few busty looking shots I always have to watch out for and some pics I wasn't even in but somehow got tagged in anyway...

I did manage to dream a bit. I was shopping for religion. IRL there's a predominantly black Baptist church across from my apartment building. I went inside in the dream and it was huge but so many empty seats. There were also levels to it and a steam room and lots of food. People were singing Christian camp songs as if they were regular hymns. My roommate was there and she'd bought all this food from Costco. I went to the fridge and I had food, too, but not as much as her. Mostly I had tubs of almond ice cream. Then I woke up.

It's too late in the morning for me to go back to bed now.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Peace is not a lot to ask for

Words from Neil Young tonight. 
This was an epic, bucket list fulfilling night for me. I witnessed something I never thought I would in my life - a rare gathering of CSNY. It was beautiful. Magical. It was for Young's annual Bridge Schoool Benefit Concert. I am so so so absolutely, blissfully happy at this moment as we sit silent, driving down the 101 and back to SF, contemplating the specialness of our evening. 

Sunday, October 27, 2013

I'm wide awake

There is far too much on my mind...it's 3:30 am. I'm in bed and my stomach says I'm hungry even though I believe I ate massive amounts of food this day (yesterday?). Hip is sore (working on a twisted hip and shortened muscle with massage therapy and Chiro) and I'm starting to notice the bags under my eyes in all my photos lately...I would really like to go back to vivid dreaming. 

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Sweet dreams are made of these...

I get to go to NYC tomorrow. I'm leaving early, early. 7am flight to JFK. This means I should be in bed by now...well, I'm sitting in bed at least and writing this post. I took two Benedryl. They're working well. I'm so very tired. I keep having wildly vivid dreams every night. I dream so well. But I don't write them down so then I forget them only to sort of remember when I'm back in that dream-like state just going into it. I've noticed my dreams are sometimes influenced if I sleep next to someone or someone is in the same room. I have no proof of this, but I theorize I can pick up on other people's thoughts sometimes. No, not like I'm psychic or something (though that's a story for another post). I mean like picking up on brain wave activity or energy or whatever you want to call it scientifically. I don't know how to describe it. I pick up on other people's emotions and motives in real life pretty well, too. Just something I know I tend to do better than the average person.

Back to dreaming...Have you ever had a dream that continued on for several nights? It's the same dream, same continued story or theme that picks up each night you sleep. Those are interesting. What causes them? Still unresolved ideas? Not sure. Anyhow, I'm blessed with a great, strange, wild, mostly sane, balanced, creative mind. I'm generally happy and have a positive mind. I sleep well, I have good, vivid, interesting dreams, too. I'm so lucky. I'm going to be better at writing them down.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

For the Crazy Ones

Just finished watching Robin Williams new sitcom "The Crazy Ones". It's midnight on a Saturday and I'm in black sweat pants, makeup-less and tucked in bed in front of a computer. I'm not sick or too tired. In fact just an hour ago I was in a dress and had bright, beautiful red lipstick on. Basically this was a crap night...the continuation of a crap weekend full of poor choices.


Where do I even begin? This weekend. Fuck. Seriously. I need to smack some sense into myself. Like really hard smack myself because I've let some dumb things happen...mostly out of this weakness I seem to have for letting certain types of dumb things happen, even if I didn't want them to happen. I'm being vague on purpose but let's just say some really not cool things happened and I had some choices to make and made the wrong choices out of desperation to feel loved/not be alone.

So back to men... I got to this point earlier this year where I had been so hurt with every relationship, ever that I just didn't even want to date. Anyone. I was done. I threw myself into work and a few hobbies and said good riddance. And I was pretty happy. Like really happy. Okay, I'm naturally happy most of the time...but I did not miss dating or sex or anything! Like at all. And it was awesome.

And then of course, yet again I fell into some horrible voodoo love spell because this is how this works. And of course it turned out I read the whole thing wrong and he was "just not that into me".

..which REALLY sucked when I was so content before and didn't even care and then BAM! I didn't even like him at first...in fact he annoyed the crap out of me. So tonight I find myself totally alone and holding this pathetic pity party and watching bad television. It's crazy, I'm crazy. I feel like I'm going crazy because this just happened again. Again!

Why do I even let myself care?

Because...and I'll tell you why...I truly, truly want to believe!

It's true. I do. I want the love story. The pathetic hearts and flowers together forever and we build a life together amazingness that has seemed to elude me for going on 35 years now. I want to believe that there is a man out there that I am attracted to that is fun and awesome and loves me back in a way that actually is love. Love. Like he doesn't lie to me or is not one way in front of some people and another way in front of other people. Love. Like he treats me the way every single nice girl on the planet deserves to be treated and he doesn't have some weird, sick, secret perversion. Love. Real love. Not where he thinks he owns me or tries to control me or tell me what to do all the time. Love, actual love. Love like best friends with life-long benefits kind of love and we are equal and we give to each other simply because we love each other kind of love. Love that means something and makes me want to be better because of how I feel when I'm with him...and he wants to be with me just as much kind of love. It exists, I know it! It has to. All this other crap, it's not worth it. It's stupid and it hurts too much and it sucks. I've been in too many crappy relationships and it's way too damn hard to go through one more. Not one more. I'm not doing it. I'm just not. Really. It's enough to make me want to just give up and just not think about love at all. Yet, I still also want to believe. Crazy. Crazy love. I believe in it. I believe I deserve it. To be loved like that and give love like that. And that exists. It has to. It has to for me, for everyone who believes in it.

So here's to the crazy ones who think like me. Who believe real love exists, that they deserve it and don't want any substitutes for it. You crazy ones, we're all crazy enough to believe we don't have to be stuck with anything less. It hurts to walk away from the less. Every damn time it really does. But it's less than love and that is not enough. And it makes it okay for me to sit here in sweats on a Saturday night, alone.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Abandoned mansion, Chinese workers in the basement, big brown horse and some dogs...

Last night I dreamed I was living in an abandoned mansion that the bank was trying to take away. It was sort of part of the LDS temple, but also my house in the country. I was going to stay and keep it for myself anyway. The house was entirely empty except my bed and a guest bed. Then my parents brought over a big brown horse I could ride instead of going somewhere else. The horse was really big. I had to check to make sure it had a saddle (it did, so I could actually ride it). The house was also my old house in Utah...oh and I needed a leg massage (true in real life) so there were some Chinese working women in the basement who had a massage place and happened to make Chinese food...

Anyway, there was also this dog that came into the yard so I was going to just keep him, then this other dog came. My parents said I had too many animals, but what was I to do? The dogs were already there and I wasn't giving up the horse or the house.

Then the house was a bit like a doll house and someone tried to tell me it was a house where this guy used to live and that I wouldn't believe where he used to stay. They showed me in the foyer near the chapel like it was shocking but it wasn't shocking...I mean the house was abandoned and empty so why did it even matter?

Trying to make sense of this dream...

Monday, August 19, 2013

Something Blue

 had a very detailed and what seems to be symbolic dream last night. Here are the details:

I was at my own wedding and the groom was waiting but first I decided to come out in my gym clothes to make sure I could be myself. The guests were surprised but the groom said he was glad and that he was marrying me just the way I am. Upon hearing that I was happy and changed into a pretty, white wedding gown and we got married. Then after I saw a woman who was a friend of my mom's a long time ago. She was a very beautiful woman, almost like a movie star (this is in real life). She's also divorced. In the dream she was sitting next to her ex-husband's new wife who was even more beautiful, the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, with long dark hair and the most unusual and spectacular bright blue eyes! Both of them were wearing royal blue dresses and I found I was also wearing a blue dress over my wedding dress. The beautiful new woman had perfect skin and features and looked at me with her piercing eyes and we looked each other in the face and smiled and decided we were friends. The divorced woman looked amazed. She didn't know what to think of this.

Then I went to the reception in the cultural hall of the church. My husband went off with his friends and I was making sure the preparations were under way and the food brought in. There were other people in the kitchen and I was upset because they were taking up space and my time at my wedding. I told them they could use the space but I was having a wedding. The food was brought in and I was at the table with all this wedding food and family (all women) and we were waiting for the groom. I didn't want to approach him because I was new to him and didn't want to scare him away (even though we were married) so I waited for him to come back. He introduced me to some of his family members when he did...it started dawning on me that I knew the groom in real life (and he's actually already married to a friend of mine).

The groom kept changing from the guy my friend is married to to another guy...but I noted none of the guys were my real ex bf. In fact, he was somewhere outside and missed out and didn't get to marry me cuz he'd waited too long to ask me and I found someone else. Anyway...

So then when the groom was there I turned and asked if he wanted to go have sex and I winked. He seemed surprised...but then it changed back to the other groom and it was okay and we were at our new apartment. Everything was dark. The lights were not on. He seemed nervous but we were getting ready to (or at least we were now in our apartment and setting up for our life)...and then I woke up.

I think the divorced woman represents Utah and my life there. The new, beautiful woman is my future and life as it is becoming for me now. I think the wedding may be religious or may mean marriage in real life is in my future. If religious then it may mean my relationship with God and Christ and wanting to be accepted as I am. Or with people in general and wanting to be accepted for who I am and then becoming the bride and shining once accepted. In real life I do sometimes test the waters that way and then become very loyal if I see someone is genuinely accepting of the real me, just as I am.

The wedding food, the waiting for the groom...may be prosperity but timing it right? The groom changing I don't know. The dark apartment may mean seeing that far into the future and it's still dark as to what it will be. Sex is usually union or consummation of change...Overall it was a pretty happy dream, even with the worry and not wanting to scare the groom off. It could also mean a business deal and making sure the deal goes well.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Planes, trains and staying on top

Last night I dreamed I was going somewhere on a train or a plane. Turned out it was a plane. Somehow I ended up on top of the plane with someone else (Pete from Mad Men I think but not sure. Some office guy). I was trying to talk him into getting back inside. We were stuck up there till the plane landed or he decided...I can't remember. Not sure if he was my alter ego or represented someone else to me. The plane landed and we got back in safely. It just took some talking. I remember it being totally safe to sit up there but we couldn't move too much and had to stay up there till it was okay to go back inside. Other people were helping us and aware of the situation. I think this one is work related.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

May the wind make you strong

Last night was a review of my life in vivid, natural form. I dreamt I was on a ledge of a mountain with my mother and we were looking out onto the horizon at a beautiful sunrise/sunset (not sure) far in the distance when very strong waves of wind came at us, nearly knocking us all down, hurtling dust and debris in our faces. Then another strong wave came a bit later... soon the waves came more frequently but less strong than the first few. They began to come consistently but by this time I'd learned to expect them and to be able to maneuver/be ready for them when they came. They just kept coming and it was not clear if they'd stop. They just came on such a frequent basis. And I was still standing.

Here's my interpretation: The waves are hardships in life. I had a few very big ones, though less frequent at the beginning of my life, then as life progressed, hardships kept coming on a more consistent basis. Now I've come to expect them. And yet, here I am, unweathered and still standing.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Southby SARS and other awesome adventures...

So I'm back from Southby with what appears to be SARS...not really but I've lost my voice and have a nasty cough. Normally I take good care of myself and never get sick any more. I got sick a lot as a kid and it sucked so much I learned how to nip it as soon as I could by strengthening my immune system, taking the right vitamins and getting good rest at the slightest hint of a cold. But SXSW has this way of taking its toll "it's just a fun couple of days" you tell yourself...then you stay out till 3 or 4 am with all the drunks and free parties till kingdom come. It's a petri dish of 30k drunken nerds on spring break. Free crappy food and beer all week long!

So I'm back writing this post as more of an update about my life and not a dream. I wasn't really consistent on that rant anyway...but I'll probably continue to write some of them in as they had this clever way of helping me see the true meaning of the dream as I wrote it all down.

My friend E, who is a newly certified psychiatrist, was convinced that last one with the cucumbers was about sex (of course, thanks Freud). I could see how she thought that but it wasn't. It was about the fruits of my perseverance in searching for what I wanted to do with my life. At least that's what I think it was. In any case it had a much deeper meaning. Freudian psychology only traps us, I believe. He got hung up on sex and the natural instincts of man and failed to reach for more or acknowledge our brains are much deeper than our impulses. Although, ya, some dreams are probably just about sex.

But I digress...

Southby was a boon and glad I went, despite getting sick. I can't openly explain why at this moment so you'll just have to stay tuned.

In the meantime I leave you with the worst picture ever of me and Shaq...it was taken backstage after his interview with Brian Solis...and unfortunately (for me) looks more like he is leading a blind child.

Here's a MUCH better picture with me and Jeremy Blum, the MIT student responsible for the creation of all things electronic at MakerBot (including the 3D printer).

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Sarah Dreams of Cucumbers

I had this dream last night that I was in this small town, but it was a school or a store and I was in the grocery/market place and it was all organic. It was actually a farm. I was looking for the cucumbers. It seemed like they should be some place but I could not find them in the obvious place. I looked and looked and found a sign and under the sign were three cucumbers of different shapes. Someone else was looking for them too and I read them the sign where all the other cucumbers were stored. The sign said they were actually in the tent where the children were having school/singing or making pottery or something right behind where all the produce was. It was not in a place anyone would think to look.

In writing down my dreams I suddenly discover what the dream is about...but I don't know that I would have if I had not written this down. I'm looking for something that will bear a certain fruit in my life (cucumber symbol) that is sought after by others but is not in an obvious place. I need to read the signs. Clever brain, very clever.

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Bus then shop

Last night I dreamed I was on a bus route. I was in SLC in the not so nice part of town. I got off and went to two different clothing shops that may have also been restaurants. Some others were there. One person from the bus was giving me directions... Some ppl in the clothing shop owned a dog...that's all I can remember for now.

Sunday, February 03, 2013

Swimming in church at the hotel with Rainn Wilson

Just woke up from a dream where I was staying in a hotel with my family for Christmas, but it was a warm place and there was a mall or food court attached. Somehow I was staying with my family and we were waiting for my brother's girlfriend to get there but then we had some kind of argument and I had someone drive me to the other side of the hotel and I had to catch a plane to go home. I should mention previous to this I was with my family in a cabin that seemed not to belong to me and the beds were all made and I remember it didn't fit me in the dream and I was mad at my parents.

I then dropped my stuff off at the hotel and began wandering through the crowd (I think I was trying to get back to the other side of the hotel to see my family again). There were ladies in the kitchen in the cultural hall, like at church, but it was decided it was best if the kitchen were open so everyone could see what they were doing in there. The ladies were busying about cooking things while everyone was in a church meeting and everyone else (the world?) was milling about in the mall outside. Some authorities didn't like that the kitchen was open and felt the ladies would be bothered or exposed so they closed it up with brick and mortar again (that all happened in an instant cuz dreams just happen that way). I remember seeing my cousin Katie milling about with family (headed to the airport?) and then she wandered into the kitchen, too.

I wandered through the food court in search of something but can't remember what..a person? I found some friends who wanted to go into the pool. A man accused a boy I sort of knew to dive deep into the pool. This boy was sometimes a boy and sometimes a young man, depending on what my age was at the time in the dream. He had a shock of blonde hair and somehow was familiar to me, like I knew him but in real life I don't think I do.

Everyone said not to jump in and that he couldn't handle going into the pool it since he'd never been in the pool before. But he decided to get brave and dive in. Other friends of his had to go get him as he sank to the bottom. It turned out he couldn't swim. Rainn Wilson was there too (Dwight from The Office), observing the scene. So his friends went to get him and put him up on the side of the pool so he could get out but it turned out you had to climb out of the pool on a slippery slide. If you had the strength you could do it just fine, but if not it was a struggle.

The boy attempted to climb up the slide but he had no strength left from thrashing around in the water and he slipped an fell into the pool again and began to drown.

Everyone saw this happen and loved the boy so much they all dived in after him, hundreds of people, to find him. I was afraid he wouldn't be found and that there were too many people in the pool now. There were so many in the pool that there wasn't room for any water and as people left you could see some people had been trampled to death, which at the time seemed worth it to find the boy, who was found somehow standing at the edge of the pool. He escaped getting trampled by the crowd looking for him.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I have magical powers

Last night I had a dream I had magical powers. I had to discover it after going to a city on a train and people asked me if I did. I had to hide my powers from an old woman who was searching for the person with the magic powers. My cousin was there. A boy cousin on my dad's side that I haven't seen in maybe 10 years. Other people also had magic powers and my cousin said if they really had strong magic powers (there were levels of how magic you were) you would be able to open the door without touching it. There was a child on the other side with an adult coaching them and they did open the door and my cousin had to admit that they did have very strong powers. Turns out this child was my daughter and they were very strong, the strongest of all the magical powered people. I was good, but this child was the best...then I woke up...

Dissecting the meaning of this dream may take some time. So far I think fute, inner child, purpose of life and something to do with family. Not a lot so far.

Monday, January 21, 2013

The Downton Abbey Dream

It happened. I dreamed I was in this family/observing this Victorian England family where the one daughter with golden hair (who resembled the blonde haired girl from Downton Abbey) discovers she is not really their daughter and was bought by them and adopted to save her from being sold as the bride of an older cousin. She goes in search of her birth parents and origins expecting to confront the old, nasty man who tried to make her his bride, only to discover many maids and factory workers and family members in this big old mansion. One lady tried to throw her off. There was also a long letter written to her about love but she didn't believe it. Then she met a handsome man who was actually the son of the old man and it was he who was going to marry her. She fell instantly in love.

My dreams seem to be novels or PBS specials at the moment.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Wax on his ears and an iron jaw

Last night I dreamed about my future husband. Yes, really. In the dream he had a large family that were a bit rough or poor but very friendly. There was something wrong with him. He had blocks of wax over his ears and upon closer examination he was broken and had been reconstructed with metal in his jaw and parts of his body. I could see right through him and into the reconstructed part. He was very kind and told me he knew we were to marry. He held me close.

In another part of the dream a friend of mine was falling out of a window. I pulled her back up and saved her life but then her hands were on fire so I blew on them and healed her. The future husband's female family members were amazed and told me I had the "gift". I admitted I was a dormant psychic. They said I should work on my powers and asked if I was Portuguese because of my dark hair. I told them I was not, but they insisted I must be something, especially with my powers. They were some ethnicity themselves even though the future husband was white.

I feel the need to keep writing these dreams down. Every dream I have written down here has actually come true in real life. The dreams are symbolic, they represent certain things, but they come true. I only recognize it after certain events happen and I am then reminded of the dream.

The last dream I wrote here recently came true. I have gone through something I did not want to and could not get out of even though I was pushing on the glass (transparent and obvious way to get out) as hard as I could. I could not break it. This thing has killed what I wanted to work on and the vessel (representing a part of me and my life) have been plunged into the depths of despair. The pillars are representations of people, threats, cyclones that would not be moved. The vessel is my life.

Strangely I think I will be okay, it's just a change. Not sure if I should still be uneasy about things but I feel okay about it now.

I am curious to know how this new dream will manifest itself and what it means. Who is this broken and rebuilt man with wax on his ears that I am to marry? What was with saving my friend and blowing out the fire with powers?

Monday, December 24, 2012

A dream over troubled waters

The other night I had a dream I was in a ship, an encapsulated ship and it was full of children and a teacher. I was in the back of the ship. I looked out the window (it was like an airplane window) to see troubled waters. Foaming, stormy and suddenly these huge cones of water came up like cyclones of a hurricane. I could tell we were in danger. The teacher yelled that there was no escaping, this was happening and we were all going to die. I tried desperately to break the glass and escape before we went under and into the deep. I thought if I could just break the glass I'd be able to get out and survive. Children were crying while their parents held them. They were frightened. Death was inevitable. I could not break the glass no matter how hard I hit it. Then I woke up.

This dream really scared me...so naturally I turned to the internet to interpret what awfulness awaits. Turns out going into deep water and dreams of death can represent the subconscious mind and change in life. Plunging into deep water, a storm and all that signifies spirituality and the deeper recesses of one's mind. Death means one is shedding something from the past and transforming or experiencing the "death" of a part of one's self.

Freud, Jung and various dream interpreters would probably all see this a different way with somewhat similar elements. Either way it gave me some comfort.

Saturday, December 01, 2012

Dances with horses

Last night I had a dream I went to this retreat with Jamie. It was cabin in the mountain type. There was a banquet hall with others and we chatted with the hosts a bit...and then I discovered a vast view of the outside and animals all over, foxes running...Jamie found a secret room and I followed him over. He was looking at all the animals inside and got into the details and started talking to someone... and there was this guy who came into the room. He had some gift with the animals, like he knew all about them. He cared for them somehow. Also, some of the animals were in cages and some were outside. I was letting a dog in a cage lick my toes and someone kept telling me not to get too close because the dog might be ferocious and bite it. I couldn't believe it about a dog who seemed nice but they kept saying it...then someone said "look at the horses, they're dancing". And the horses WERE dancing! In a circle, with their hind legs on the ground and their front legs touching each other. They were standing upright, like humans, and dancing in a circle in rythmic time, in choreographed motion. It was fascinating to see such a strange thing. So I approached them to ask them questions. The animals, some of them, could talk in this dream. I asked if they enjoyed dancing and they said yes, very much. They said it was like being in the Russian ballet. Then I noticed their fancy clothing they were suddenly wearing. It was very beautiful. I took one aside to ask some question. I can't remember what. I think I asked what it was like to dance..but the horse just stood there, silent. I asked again...silent...and then I noticed it had shed a tear. Someone said it was touched that I cared so much to even ask that it had no words.

So then I went outside to the outside picnic tables at the place to discuss the experience and other things about my life with the animals boy...turned out he was Jamie's younger brother (in waking life Jamie is an only child). He was 24 and in a band and had a mop of dark, curly hair and olive skin. I told him I was frustrated with some things about Jamie and then the kid said he could fix them and that he would be a better man for me if I would choose him instead. I remember watching Jamie in the distance, talking to other people, completely unaware I was even there. I was frustrated with him and that he didn't see me and here was this good-looking, seemingly magical kid who was there, listening and promising me nice things. Then I woke up.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Another pregnant dream...

And no I am not with child. I keep having these. According to the internets I'm apparently craving creativity...or about to embark on a creative project (totally true).

Other things happening in the dream: I was staying in a hotel. I was with my boyfriend. We were still in SF but it looked foreign...European? We went for dinner but there was a long wait. We walked back up the stairs of the hotel but I had these high heels on that made it hard to walk...then I realized I was pregnant, along with some other girl just like me. We were wearing slutty looking dresses but both pregnant. We both had these heels on that were ridiculous. We were walking on carpet that was too plush. It was green, I think.

What does it all mean...??

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Deja Vu All Over Again...

Last night I had a dream about three astronauts. One of them had somehow unconnected from the ship and was floating away in space. Very scary and a sure death awaited him. But just then his loyal friend, one of the other astronauts, dared to save him. He hurled himself at him in a death-defying stunt that boomeranged the two back to the ship. Then the one who saved the other one somehow became disconnected and both the other astronauts, out of loyalty and because he'd already saved the one of them, managed to somehow reach out and grab him before he also went floating off into space.

What does this mean?

Maybe nothing...making it is symbolic of something rattling around deep inside my head...or perhaps something else. A connection to the collective, psychic conscious.

So this morning on my way into work I'm listening to WNYC's Radio Lab podcast via the Stitcher app when a story comes on about astronauts on the brink of death, floating away in space who somehow manage to save each other.


Friday, September 28, 2012

I'm German, I believe

I seemed to have a running stream of dreams last night but the one thing I remember is a part where I was walking down what seemed to be an old, cobble stone street and speaking with a woman who asked me about my genetic makeup/where my ancestors are from. I told her my mom's family is from Denmark and some from the British Isles. She said something like "oh, I would have thought German" to which I seemed to be excited to tell her that my Dad's family is German, my last name is German. I then told her my grandparents were from Germany. This is actually not true. All the rest of it is, but this part is not true. Why did I say this or think this in my dream? As I said it I even seemed to have a false memory of them being from Germany.

Das strange, ya?

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Snakes in a Dream, continued...

Had a dream that there were all these poisonous rattle snakes that kept coming out of hiding and slithering on the ground all around me...but this time I was able to either step on their heads and crush them or take a stick and crush their heads with it. Any snake that came I crushed it and this ooze would come out of their heads as I killed them all.

I believe this means I'm concurring my fears.

Another interpretation is that I will have victory over my enemies!

Many of the interpretations I looked up involving my recent snake dreams seemed to be rooted in religion and prophecy. For instance, one interpretation was about John's prophecy of the seed of woman crushing the head of the snake as well as in Genesis, the decree from God that the serpent bites the heel of man and the woman's seed will crush it under their feet; meaning overcoming the powers of evil.

I don't think that had anything to do with my dream, but the dream symbol of a snake seems to be a powerful one, straight from the subconscious mind, meant to get our attention.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

King Cobra on the Island

I woke up from a dream about hiking higher and coming to a difficult part. Everyone else either seemed able to get over it or found the easy way. I needed a helping hand to get over a scary, rough part that was too big to climb alone...and right after someone held out their hand to me and put me in the lead in front of the other hikers I reached out my hand to feel the next step out on the ground above (the trail was that steep) only to stumble upon 1. an armadillo/lizard of some sort that was deemed harmless. It walked right off and all was fine... and then 2. when I reached out again I laid my hand on a giant king cobra! It was practically hidden because it was the same color as the earth and rocks it slithered on. But there it was and I had laid my hand on it and caught its attention. I knew if I sank back down the path I could maybe get it to forget about me and slither on but I wasn't sure if it would move on or not. Then I woke up.

I looked up snakes and king cobras because these are not things I regularly dream about. Apparently there is something in my life that I am not paying attention to and really need to and this is my subconscious trying to get my attention. I am pretty sure I know what it is and just simply need to deal with it.

So here I am with this giant, hidden cobra and I'm not sure if it is going to strike.

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Snakes, spiders and other creeeeepy crawlies

Last night I had a nightmare. An unusual occurrence for me. I was in SF (I'm in LA right now) and I was on this land marsh...there was some sort of building on it like an apt where I think I lived. There were all these people looking for jobs and some got some...I was waiting and frustrated and then I went out to sea...and then I became the observer of the dream for a while where there was this sea scientist girl who was offered an amazing job for her sea science expertise. It was this great opportunity...and then I became the girl and it all seemed good but I was nervous about it and then this other girl who was supposed to be my roommate threw these tiny snakes and spiders on me. Really scary dream. I couldn't get them off of me. They were writhing and sticking onto me. I got the big black spider off and tried to brush off all the snakes before they got me and bit me. I think if I stayed asleep they would bite me and poison me with their venom...but then I woke up terrified!

Sunday, September 02, 2012

The Town

Had a dream last night that I was at a street fair and there was a movie advertised on a telephone poll for the very first Sesame Street episode ever. It had a pic of a little boy in a business suit, trying to chew a frying pan. The caption under the poster for the movie asked if people thought this was the real episode or a fake 90's remake...

Also, in the town I was in that posted about the movie there was this family reunion or wedding or something going on that I was there for...only it wasn't my real family but some Victorian type family. The odd thing is that if you left the dream you wouldn't exist to them anymore. They thought of it as dying. Other people had left and they no longer remembered them. I told one person that I would remember them. I was already starting to wake up and it seemed I was sort of fading as well.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012


Had a dream the other night that I was in a hotel or place to stay/convention. Something like that. With a group of people. So we are all sitting around and mingling and talking when there's an earthquake. No one seemed aware of the earthquake. I warned them and they were saved. So in my dream I saved everyone by warning them. Also, there was this giant pillar on the edge of the building we were in (we were a few floors up and the floor we were on was exposed, no windows, but held up by giant pillars) and I knew if we stuck to the giant pillar that we'd be saved.


Thursday, August 23, 2012

The End of Days Paradox

This is not a dream...but I don't have another place to write this all out.

I've been thinking lately about the Book of Revelations and the "end of days". Here's the paradox: In the beginning of the world, when Adam and Eve are kicked out of the Garden of Eden, they realize this is a good thing because if they didn't know the bitter they'd never have known the sweet. The story goes that if they had never known misery and pain they'd never know joy...so after the fall and they are cast out and the world is as it is in this our current state, they discover joy (for the Mormons, see 2 Nephi 2:25). But then in Revelations, chapter 21 God says he'll wipe away all tears and there won't be anymore sorrow or pain...and it suggests we'll all follow God in this new heaven and new earth and there will be no more sin. Happy days, right? Except...um, we just learned that in order to have happiness/joy, you have to know sadness and pain...

My question is this...in this "end of days/Revelations" scenario, will we no longer have joy? How can there be happiness if there is no more pain and suffering? Surely we cannot rid ourselves of pain, of sorrow unless we also rid ourselves of happiness.

Is this Bible verse a lie? Which is it? No more pain, tears...or yes still pain and tears? We know God has emotions, God weeps, so how can there be no more tears? It seems a paradox.

Either we really will not cry or feel any more pain and thus not experience true joy either (total bummer). Or this part of Revelations was a nice idea generated to placate those who now suffer and wish it to end and would like some rest from it all. Which would make the 21st chapter of Revelations a lie.

In Buddhism, life is suffering. There is no end to suffering. Their goal is to reach a point where their soul doesn't reincarnate, a state where you basically don't exist anymore (Nirvana) and thus cannot experience anymore pain and suffering (which is what you get if you exist).

To me, personally, that sounds terrifying. I'd take the pain and suffering, along with the joy over erasing myself out of existence.

This verse in Revelations is basically saying "when Jesus comes again all your suffering will stop and you won't cry and everything will be perfect!"...but then it doesn't seem to get/acknowledge the yin to the yang, that with suffering also comes joy.

Personally, no offense to Buddhist ideals or Revelations 21, but I want to exist. I want to be able to cry and to feel and to live, knowing I have the ability to know the difference.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Sex Dreams

Everybody has them...and they don't necessarily have anything to do with sex, actually.

Warning: this post may mention some sexually explicit activity. So cover your eyes, stop reading, or keep reading. Whatevs. You've been warned.

Sex is a powerful human drive that can have various meanings in dreams. Freud thought everything was about sex. Jung disagreed and thought even sex could be about something else; perhaps our human search for meaning? It could also be a way for your subconscious mind to get your attention. And boy does it!

So here's where you stop reading if you get offended by sex...Let me tell you about my dream last night. I had a dream about a guy friend who kept going on and on and on about how his fiance just loved to give him blow jobs. He was sitting at the edge of his bed, pants down (and neked and erect) and just wouldn't shut up about it. And he kept getting closer and closer to my face like I was going to do something. The whole time I was like "uh, dude, why are you telling me this?" Also, I was like "uh, pull your pants up!" It was disturbing. I didn't know why this was happening. He seemed to be fine, everything normal, but I felt like I was being pushed to do something I did not want to do or hear or participate in that had nothing to do with me.

So what does this mean? It was definitely an attention getter. It could mean I perceived that my friend was being too open with me...though we haven't talked in a while and definitely nothing deep. It could mean I somehow subconsciously feel I'm invading someone else privacy. It could also reflect my current life. I may feel I'm being pushed to do things I don't want to do that I don't think are appropriate. Sometimes in writing this stuff out on here I have these "aha moments" and know I'm getting closer to what my mind is working out with me.

The whole sex symbology in dreams is quite fascinating. It puts people off, it grabs attention, it's highly embarrassing/taboo to discuss. Yet there it is, and everyone in the entire world has had a dream or two like this.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Robot Mom for President

I think LA has affected me. I dreamed I created a movie where a mom/scientist invented a robot to help her get all the things done that she could not possibly do while running for president, but the robot ended up being a better, thinner, more energetic version of herself and ended up going rogue and then running against her...but it lacked emotion and realness (which, of course, the people wanted in their candidate) so the mom won because even though she couldn't get it all done and bake cookies after she was real. In my dream I named it "Robot Mom for President". The funny/weird thing is this could be a real movie. It could be on the women's network and it would resonate with the mom demographic because the belief these days is that women still "can't have it all" (thanks, Atlantic article). The movie would admit we can't do it all, but we can have it all by just being okay with ourselves.

Thursday, August 09, 2012

The future

Last night I had a dream about my future daughter. Her name was April. She had short brown hair in a bob. She was maybe 6 or 7 and smart and adorable. I loved her! She looked like me! Inner child or real future daughter? I don't know. I just turned 34 (yesterday) and I know I need to have children soon. I'm not married. I think about this a lot. Now is the time to do this sort of thing if I'm going to eliminate risk. I really hope this was a future type dream. She was someone I really want in my life.

Saturday, August 04, 2012

Disappearing Dreams

I tried really hard to remember my dreams when I awoke this morning but they almost immediately began washing away. I remember thinking 'I've got to retain this' and could feel it slipping into the black recesses the more awake I became. In other news, I'm in LA.

Friday, August 03, 2012


Last night was quite vivid...and wild!...I think I came close to becoming lucid. I had this dream that is too detailed to put everything in there but my older brother was explaining something about eggs and mammals that made no sense to me and then then the birds turned into cloth hot pads and were squawking about and defending me from rogue attacks from what appeared to be hats...and then turned into other pieces of clothing. There was a person there who was asking questions to people around me. I didn't want him asking so I ignored him.

Monday, July 30, 2012

This was not a dream...I think

A few days ago I became ill with a high fever. I took a nap on the couch for the space of maybe 2 hours. During the nap I could have sworn I heard people's voices talking about me. It seemed they were maybe 5 feet away from me and facing my body and saying "She'll need some extra care and attention at this time". I thought it was my roommates talking about me (who else would it be?). But then I asked them if either of them were home that afternoon. The one said she was gone all day since before I even took the nap and just had returned late that evening. The other one had left in the morning for a weekend with her boyfriend who was visiting from out of town. So no one was home. Delirium? A dream? Ghosts?

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

I had a dream and Steve Wozniak was in it

He told me to call this guy up and demand a job and a 100k salary...or whatever salary I wanted. We were inventing stuff. True to life? Well...lemme test and get back to you :)

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Bruises...San Francisco...Universal Healthcare

Last night I dreamed my ex bf gave me bruises all over my shoulders. I complained and in the dream he told me it was no big deal.

I looked up the meaning. There were a variety of interpretations on this one. About half seemed to think this was a dream that meant some sort of emotional trauma I'm still dealing with. That may be true...

In other news - I went (IRL) to the famous Haight Street Free Clinic yesterday. SF has had universal healthcare for all since the 60's. It runs on volunteers and was set up by a kind doctor who was worried about all the flower children not getting proper medical attention during the Summer of Love. It's been going ever since but has changed a bit over the decades.

It used to be you just walk in and then they see you. Now you have to sign up for Healthy SF. It's San Francisco's great secret that they've provided medical help for everyone all along and it works. You sign up and if you have no money or are under a certain threshold you get it for free. If you need certain medications they will also cover that for free under the program. Since I'm funemployed at the moment I totally qualify (hurray!). All you do is tell them what is going on with you and why you need to see a doctor (for me it was an OBGYN check up). I just signed some papers with emergency contact info, they gave me a green plastic card for drugs (the medical kind), and then ushered me in to see the doc. That was that.

I'll let you draw your own political conclusions about this but as for me, I'm very grateful something like this exists for the people.

This is a picture of the clinic from far away. It's just around the corner from my house.

And these are some hippie kids from a long time ago that were waiting at the free clinic for their universal healthcare.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Kissing Missionaries and California Dreamin'

I realized I was awake just now and immediately thought to hold on to and remember what I had just been dreaming before it sinks back into the dark. Here's last night's dream:

I was in a newsroom, working as a reporter and it was in a hotel. A large building. The head producer kept barking orders about social media and I kept trying to say what should be happening since that's my wheelhouse but everyone kept chiming in and I was frustrated since none of them knew what they were doing and I actually had a lot of experience in this. Then I was going on a trip to California from Utah and my mom didn't want me using her minivan to drive the whole way cuz she was afraid it would be too many miles on the car. I said not to worry and that I was only driving to my friend's house in Sandy...but really I was planning on driving all the way to California and knew I'd be fine. I was in my family house with my mom, dad, older brother and some other people when this girl comes walking down the street claiming to be a missionary for the LDS Church. I don't see the common name tag identifier or a companion with her so I'm skeptical (though she is dressed in church clothes and a long dress coat and no makeup, hair pulled back in a pony so she looks like a missionary in some ways). I ask her where her companion is and she shrugs it off and says she doesn't need to be with her all the time cuz she knows the spirit of the law and she's cool like that. My brother tests her by grabbing her and planting a kiss on her mouth. I see her face register that maybe she shouldn't be playing "cool like that" and should go actually do the things she signed up to do as a missionary. So then I start readying myself for the journey and packing and somehow the whole social media thing is happening in my house and I'm like I gotta go cuz they are not listening and don't know what they are doing. Then I wake up...

This dream I'm going to chalk up as working things out in my head/brain chemistry. Maybe it is significant and means something and I'll find out later but I really think I'm just working things out. There are a lot of times in my profession where the people in charge don't really get what it is I do and I try to explain how it works and how it has successfully worked for me, list the stats and research but they may not want things to be the way they really are, have their own ideas, don't understand a fully executed plan, etc. and don't listen. It happens. Also I think the dream is a reflection of me working stuff out about church. I read this article in The New Republic last night before bed about this ex-Mormon guy and how he lost his faith but still loves the way the members have helped him when times were tough.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Faded Factory Dream or Dolla Dolla Bill Y'all

I have to jot down the pieces I remember about this dream before it fades...I was coming out of some building. The building was housing a job and I showed people some sort of entertainment or advertising?? Anyway I was teaching people things for my job but for the most part no one really noticed me. So I walk out of this building and it's kinda like an old shopping mall and then I'm in the city and everyone has to go through this line and they are assembling stuff to give to the poor but somehow it's this great business model and they are taking part of what people give them and repurposing it and making a profit. Everything goes through this conveyor belt. The workers are low class, not well educated. The foreman tells me how lucrative a business this factory thing is. The ladies doing all the sorting agree and tell me I really should get in on it cuz they are making so much money right now. Then I wake up...We'll see what this means.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Just 90 more minutes...

I've been trying out this 90 minutes sleep thing lately. You figure out when you need to wake up and then calculate backwards in 90 minute increments. Why 90 minutes? This is the amount of time calculated for all humans to slip in and out of REM. The research, according to this guy, is that the reason we need sleep is not so much about resting your body as it is about allowing your mind to enter REM. We apparently need that creative download in life to function. Yes, oddly, we need to let our minds escape reality in order to cope and function within it in our waking life.

So I tried out the little experiment last night, allowing myself 4.5 hours of sleep (to wake up at 7:30). Not as much sleep as I'm accustomed to, but it actually worked. I was awake and ready to get up...then I looked at my alarm and determined there is no reason to get up at 7:30 am when I don't even have to move my car till 9...so back to sleep I went. It was really hard to get myself up at 8:30 to get ready and move my car. Much harder than waking up at 7:30. So I let myself sleep in for "10 more minutes". This turned into sleeping in till 9...and luckily when I went to get my car I did not have a ticket (hurray).

The other thing about this experiment is that I spent so much time thinking and calculating it out this morning that I didn't retain my dream. All I remember is that it was some sort of a journey in a three part series...

Sunday, July 08, 2012

How not to talk to someone about a break up...and also why sometimes our dreams lack a plot (a working theory)

I didn't sleep much last night. Not for lack of trying. It was mostly a series of vivid images and lots of waking in between.

I have been wondering lately if the way other people think (their thought waves/energy/aura/soul) can seep into your mind and affect your dreams.

Anyway it was a series of images (instead of the usual story line) and lots of waking in between and thinking and hurting about the break up. Everyone has an opinion for me about the split. People with the loudest opinions seem to be perpetually single, though, so I don't know why they feel so comfortable with all this armchair philosophy when all I really need is a sympathetic ear and a hug...I'm allowed to hurt and cry and grieve and miss someone.

Side note about the rabbit dream and the boy in it who wasn't interested in me btw...that turns out to be a bit of a psychic premonition. I tried to go on a date on Friday morning (we met for coffee) to just keep myself busy. The guy was so checked out and he didn't even know it. He was really not into me. Hard to believe, I know. Also, I think I pushed myself to go on the date to get over my ex bf but really I don't want to do that at all. I just want to cry and I want a hug and I want people to see things the way I see them and want me forever.

And possibly I shouldn't be going on dates right now anyway when I know I'm not actually feeling like it.

Love is a miracle. I'm really sad. And I didn't sleep much.

Thursday, July 05, 2012

Rock star in an experiment

Last night I dreamed I was a singer in a rock band but also that I had somehow been captured in this experiment where we were being told we were not good just to see how we'd react. We thought it was real life but then I discovered it was a controlled environment. I realized I needed to escape but it was impossible without them knowing it. I couldn't let them know I knew. You could also become one of them if you showed them merit. Then they turned the tables to become more friendly so that you'd tell them your innermost thoughts. They wanted to see what you really thought. I had to be careful bc I knew what they were about. I told them I was sad and they asked if I wanted it all to be over and to go back to my normal life outside the experiment. I was about to say yes but it was revealed to me that they don't ever let you go, they erase you instead. So I said I was fine continuing on. I knew I somehow had to make them think I was doing well so I could eventually escape. Then I woke up.

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

Rabbit sex in cabins at night

Weird dream last night. It had to do with rabbits getting it on and a tiny log cabin...and dancing. I was in a family. I was one of the kids. There was another family with a boy my age. I can't remember his situation but he seemed uninterested. Then there were all these rabbits everywhere. Soft, plump and adorable rabbits. Different colored ones with soft, floppy ears and they were friendly. They'd come right up to you. But they also were having a lot of sex with each other and you had to push them apart before they made more rabbits. There was a log cabin and I think we were making food, like dinner in there for some occasion like a neighborhood party or something and there was this couple there that seemed familiar but I couldn't quite tell who they were. The girl was inside and then we had some sort of conversation and the guy was returning from some trip...and he also might have been the boy my age? It's all a bit foggy bc I didn't write this dream down immediately upon waking. There was something about a sink and water jugs. Oh, and someone might have gone missing. I think we were putting together a search party and that was what the food was for. Also a friend of mine from high school was in the dream and we had a conversation about dancing but I don't remember what about it. We'll see later if this dream turns into something or means something. The rabbits seemed prominent so I'll have to think about what they represent.

Sunday, July 01, 2012

Dreams are a psychic passageway

That nightmare I had, the one where my boyfriend died, was symbolic of our relationship, apparently. Love hurts sometimes. It really does.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Nightmare, pigs, the dead and dark malls

Last night I had this really terrible nightmare. I was trapped inside a cult that was trying to make us Nazis and I dreamed my boyfriend died and there were these giant warthogs with different, wild colors and huge teeth that were sniffing me. I woke up terrified!

I should mention I found a secret passage way to escape the cult in the building I was in. I couldn't let anyone else know but there was a back vent and I had to wait patiently till they (cult leaders who were hold all of us hostage) weren't looking. Also there were these black people and one of the men died right in front of us. He was shot or had a heart attack. I remember saying it was weird to see someone who was animated not have any life in them anymore.

Mixed in with the nightmares was another dream where I was in the old Crossroads Mall in SLC and it was abandoned (bc there's now a new mall). The mall was open but all the lights were off and the stores were possibly closed but you couldn't tell unless you opened their doors and the lights might be on and they might actually have been open. I went up this really high elevator and into this pitch blackness. Everything was dark in the upper levels.

Very odd dreams.

I've read that nightmares are a way for your subconscious mind to try and get your attention if you are not paying attention to something...not sure what I'm not paying attention to though...

Monday, June 25, 2012

When you are only watching it like TV

Have you ever had a dream where you were just the observer but also somehow the person being observed? Last night I dreamed about a girl who was in this school/jail cell. I think I was just following along with her story but I'm not sure...Maybe I was her? I couldn't actually tell.

Anyway, somehow in the dream I also left that scenario and I was in "Dallas" the soapy TV show and the show was real life and it was taking place in a Costco. I had stuff to find and buy and using my magical powers I was locating the items in the store (or at least getting their approximate location in the store) through the energy I felt with my powers. Also somehow there were people running into water bc the edge of the ocean was at one part of the store (the store was quite large...it was Costco).

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Gems, geodes and dressers stuffed to the brim

Last night I dreamed I bought a really big house, a mansion. It was old and stately with gorgeous details. I bought it all, as is. Everything the previous owners left in it now belonged to me. As I wandered through the house I discovered all these rocks and gems everywhere. Some of the rocks had been fantastically fused together geodes and natural stones and rocks, lots of mixed natural gems all clustered and intertwined with each other, turquoise and there was this dresser/secretary full of these orange rocks and gems, just full of them.

In the dream I went down to the front room and spoke with the keeper of the estate and with my family and also my bf's mom was there (she is actually a gemologist). I told them all that I had found and I asked his mom if she would help me identify what all the gems were and she said she would. The keeper of the estate affirmed that everything in the house was now mine and that whatever was in the house when I bought it I owned. I went exploring more and found a dresser stuck in between some walls and a fireplace. I thought to pull it out (as it was out of place) but thought to just leave it there as is because the previous owners obviously had put it there for a reason and I didn't want to mess anything up. I reasoned I would come back to it and work on that part of the house later.

The rooms upstairs were grand and big and sunny. They had old wood floors and the sun gleamed in through the windows.

My bf's mom then challenged me to create some art. It was a competition between me and a child that she thought would be the better artist. I surprised her because I turned out to be a really good artist, or at least better than she expected. I remember her admiring my work, the sculptures I made and the way I painted them and gave everything dimension. I explained that my art was just different than the child's and so it stood out more.

I will really have to think about the meaning of all of this. I would say usually children represent your inner child but I know this one was not my inner child but a rep of something else...possibly my bf? Possibly someone I believe she sees better suited than me for her son? (I've had a feeling she may not think I'm good enough bc I'm not Jewish, but that may just be me thinking that and not her true feelings). The gems are a good omen, as is the grand house and all the nice things in it. Treasures. I'll have to think of the dresser stuck in the wall between two rooms. Most likely it is an aspect of myself or a problem I don't want to solve just right now.

If you believe yourself to be an intuitive/have a gift for dream interpretation I welcome your thoughts.

Saturday, June 23, 2012


Last night I had a dream I'd signed up for a job in Alaska and there were all these boxes of deliveries in the back room (mirrors, brushes, curlers, porcelain, totally random home stuff). Somehow Chinese people were scavenging the stuff and selling it off on eBay, etc. It was kind of in my house but up for grabs. So I look at my boyfriend and I say "babe, we could totally do the same thing as them and make good money". And somehow in the middle of all this the plastic came off the back window (it was there for heating insulation). My boyfriend kept trying to fix it and I realized it was totally ruined and wouldn't be fixed so I said to forget about it, it couldn't be fixed and to just leave it and it would be fine. It was fine. There were also jets in and out of the place we were in and people coming and going to this place for work...but it was fast becoming deserted because the company or the island or whatever we were on was heading into the off season.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Challenge #1

I have had two mornings now where I woke up and did not write down or think about my dreams. I dreamed, but can't remember them. On a side note, if you are interested in taking a lucid dream challenge with me, let me know: The Lucid Dream Information Technique

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

The unlikely but terrifying scenario your boyfriend tells you he's in love with someone else...

Last night I dreamed my boyfriend told me he'd fallen in love with someone else and he wasn't sure what to do because this girl already had a kid. I was pissed! He tells me in the dream while holding me in bed that he's in love with someone not me and that someone has a kid! IRL he does not want kids for the next few years. This is a sore spot with us bc I do. So we stay together but discuss it every so often. It's a very unlikely scenario he would a)fall in love with someone not me while we are together b)fall in love with someone with a kid already. Not sure what to make of this. I just remember feeling really hurt by it.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

I Spy a Spider

Last night's dream had a lot to do with spiders...and the wilderness. I was with some guys. One I knew in high school but never really talked to in real life. I remember thinking this is the most I'd ever heard this kid talk. We were all in RV's (which might have been influenced by a video I saw just before bed about the tiny house movement) and we were in the desert. There was some sort of a meeting we had to get to or something we had to do. I had to set the dates with someone but when I realized when the dates were it was actually past those dates. Then somehow I was on the beach and there were kids and some parents and then I was in a room with one of the girls and there were all these spiders on the wall. Big, fat spiders...that she had decorated with jewels...and the toupees of her mother's lovers. I remember explaining to someone who asked me "why the toupees?" that her mother's lovers were "very rich but also very old". There was this little live spider, black, that was crawling all over the floor and I couldn't get it for a while. I kept trying and trying but it was quick. Then, with a help of this guy (maybe one of the original guys from before? or one of the mom's kids?) we smashed the spider and I could move on to story telling time.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Took an antihistamine, which caused me to be drowsy, which set on an afternoon nap...which gave me a strange dream.

I was in Utah, driving to Harmons grocery store in the Brickyard area (which is a very nice and pleasant local grocery store there). It had been totally renovated and there was this very long and high up elevator that I had to get on to park the car and go into the store. So I attempted to go up the elevator but had trouble with coordination. IRL I actually think about this, about coordinating getting on and off and timing it with people who may not be paying attention. So I finally get on and it takes me up to the building but the building has a note on it with an email for my contact there. I only remember part of it anemae.?.com. I can't remember the ? part but I do remember the first part, anemae because I had to email or contact this person using it but had to check several times because when I got to email this person I couldn't remember how to spell it and had to go up the elevator to check again. Every time I checked I would see people from this PR firm working on projects. I never made it inside the grocery store.

I think the store symbolizes bounty and the high up elevator represents the esteem I give the circumstances. The driving is my life. The PR people an interview I'm about to go on. The contact email I'm not sure about. I googled it and got nada. Wish I could remember the rest of it.

The Others

I tossed and turned last night. There are rumors the house I live in is haunted and I'm inclined, based on quite a few occurrences, to believe. We have had reports of a little girl walking through the house and laughing. We hear footsteps upstairs when no one is there or what sounds like knocks on the walls. One time my alarm went off and it wasn't plugged in. Things like this maybe have an explanation but maybe the house really does have visitors. Anyway, it's stuff that keeps me up at night.

I had this dream last night with everyone I have ever had bad feelings for or who had ever been mean to me. They were all there and I had to deal with them. They were still mean but I was acting as if it didn't bother me. Then I woke up around 3 a.m. and thought about ghosts, turned on my phone as a sort of protective night light, prayed all sorts of prayers of protection and went back to bed.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

The Apocalypse is at hand!

Last night I dreamed of a major apocalyptic travesty taking place. Everyone was huddled up in their homes and living on food storage. I was at my old house with people but I don't remember who...maybe my boyfriend was there...I was finding friends and I ran into my friend Smitty (who is a long time friend and former roommate in real life. Smitty is not his real name, btw).

Smitty told me he was being awarded an MBA by the leadership in Utah. I remember being pissed because he had only gone to community college and I felt he didn't deserve the award and was somehow tricking them into thinking he'd done more. He then proceeded to take me to his family to introduce me but I reminded him I'd already met his family. He seemed surprised and I had to remind him when I had met them before. There were some tall buildings that we went to and we were on a floor that was high up. So we see his family, particularly his parents, but it wasn't his parents he actually has in real life.

My former boss at the Senate was also in this dream (I think he represents survival skills bc he's a former desert survival guide for teens).

I still don't know all the meanings in all these dreams. I just have to write them so I'll remember them better. I do know, however, that Smitty is a representation of a former friend who actually dated him. She did something quite rude to me in real life and I have been very mad at her. I may feel she doesn't deserve a lot of things and that she is not honest...and somewhere in there is my personal vision and connection to Utah in some apocalyptic vision (a change in my life and not being in Utah anymore).

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Little white houses in a small town

This one is a couple days out so not as detailed but the thing I remember most is I was in a small town with a bunch of little houses and I was in a house. The houses were white. My roommate was there, the one away in Canada right now and she gave me some advice but I don't remember it.

This is why I must write this shit out when I wake up.

I was a little scared to try lucid dreaming. Not sure how restful it is...but I do want to try it. Carlos Casteneda writes that you have to tell yourself to see your hands when you dream. To say this right before bed. Then, when you see your hands you will know you are dreaming and you can become lucid.

They say it is hard to maintain it, but then there are reports of people who do it all the time, who are used to it. These people can control their dreams or ask questions to the characters and get answers...or ask a higher conscious the meaning of the dream. Some say they even enter other people's dreams or can share a dream with loved ones across distances and that both people will describe being in the same dream, but from their perspective.

Robert Waggoner, one of the foremost authorities on lucid dreaming, has had over 1000 recorded lucid dreams. He says one time he asked a character if he realized he was a character in his dream and the character replied, "How do you know you are not a character in my dream?".

The world is full of wonders to me. Sometimes I feel like this, too, is just a dream of our own making. We are in a very real dream.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Dress shop and apartment dream - adventures in dreaming numero uno

I want to make this more of a dream journal. I'm getting more into lucid dreaming. The key is to recall your dream as soon as you wake up and to also learn to recognize, or become aware you are dreaming while in the dream. Here's my dream last night: I was in a bar with a friend in real life that represents hedonism and relaxation. There were other guys working at the bar and an older guy. Somehow through me the one guy manager in charge realized they owned more property across the street than they had thought. It was his property. He had apartment condos above the ones he owned so they were his. I thought because I discovered them and he didn't know he had them that he'd give a part of it to me. Instead he tried to charge me to live there. I negotiated with him and he agreed to let me live there for 3% a month, nothing down (whatever that means). The other guys and the owner and myself all knew that was not a good deal for me and not fair but it was cheaper and closer than where I was before. What was a big place ended up being a one-bedroom tiny apartment. Finally after the other people talked with him he allowed me to live rent free until he sold the units. This made me feel unstable about the whole deal. I could move in but there was no understanding of when the units would be sold, if I would get one for free and all that. But I started deciding where things would go and moved in. I remember particularly deciding where my paintings would go. Then for work I got a job in a clothing store down the street. A woman whom I knew at NPR when I used to work there came in and asked me what accountant level the guy was. I was confused and told her I didn't know there were levels. She asked if I worked for the White House. I laughed and the shop owner lady said I worked there at the dress shop and I confirmed that. There was another dress shop across the street. Someone (I think my mom or possibly someone else) was watering the lawn in front of the shop and the apartment and then proceeded to water it across the street at "the girls" shop. But someone said not to bc they weren't taking care of it anyway and just thought grass grew without tending it. Then I got in an old white truck and drove it backwards through San Francisco neighborhood back to where I live in real life. I remember finding it tricky to drive backwards but that was the only way I could drive it. There turned out to be plenty of parking (which in real life is actually difficult to find in SF). Somehow my roommate was there and her hair was disheveled and she looked sleepy but said she would go on a walk or go with me somewhere. I remember seeing a giant show store that was round down Divisadero and toward the Castro. It said Shoes Shoes Shoes. I remember I wanted to go check it out and shop for shoes there as soon as I parked the car. Then I woke up.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

The beginning of the end?

Dear Blogger blog, sorry I've neglected you. Tots sure no one (maybe two people?) still read this here Human Project anymore anyhow. I started you way back in the nascent days of blogging, circa 2002. Now where do I jot down all my thoughts on life, boys and human projectedness? Oh, everywhere else....Facebook, Twitter (Hootsuite, actually), Tumblr, Pinterest, SocialMediaToday, Bubbl.ici.ous, Google+, Examiner, Path, Foursquare...depending on the mood, what points I get, where peeps are at, the relevance to those peeps in those places, etc. But you were the beginning. Hope this isn't the end. I just post too many other places where I have a lot more readers. That and this here is all personal, after all. I can't exactly post about boys (I have a nice boyfriend now, fyi. Those don't tend to make amazeballs posts for lack of drama), this isn't a mom blog, I'm not a crafty mo or recipe diva (also, not really good at following through on the crafty part..or baking stuff :/). So here you are, all personal and me. But I started with you...so I hope to keep you, even if I really don't post here much anymore.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Pinterest for Dudes

I'm obsessed with pinning...as many lady folk seem to be these days. It wasn't intentional though. I just sorta checked it out and now I really get why Pinterest is so useful. But the men folk who go there get turned off by all the glitter nails and cupcakes so I made a video - Pinterest for Dudes.

Dudes, you too can harness the power of the pin and have a fine time doing it. Check it:

Friday, April 06, 2012

So it turns out I can relate to the Mormon gays

It's been a while since my last post but I just had to share this video from BYU's "It Gets Better" edition. There are things on here I never really thought about and that really touched me as I watched it. If you haven't seen it I encourage you to now:

In some ways I can relate. When I left the church after going through the temple I really did not want to tell my parents. I felt this heavy burden of keeping it from them so I wouldn't upset them or make them sad. How could I confess that I did not want to be a part of the church because of my questions about changes in doctrine, the sanitization and PR changes to church history, obvious historical faux pas (blacks and the priesthood, trading polygamy for statehood, women no longer able to heal the sick or perform laying on of hands) the confusing modern messages to both men and women that don't fit with modern times.

And now here is this video and this amazing openness and the safety in which gay BYU students feel comfortable confessing their same sex attraction. I didn't realize what gay Mormons must go through when all the other kids like the opposite gender and they like the same. I just didn't think about it until now. The part where the kid prays and tells God he's gay and asks if that is okay and then God makes him feel accepted for just the way he is as a gay man is something to think about. In a church that teaches that marriage is only between a man and a woman and where the family unit is sacred and gayness is not acceptable...how do you reconcile that if you both believe the doctrine AND find yourself to be gay AND find that God accepts that part of you? How can the church be true if God is okay with them living the gay lifestyle? How can one have such strong experiences within a church that teaches being gay (acting on being gay) is unacceptable and then have God tell them that they are acceptable? And don't feed me that bullshit about being gay but just not acting on it. That kid in the video got a confirmation from God that his lifestyle is okay, that everything about him is okay.

I have had some very strong experiences in the LDS church. Sacred experiences. These experiences used to make me believe it, all of it. How could I not? But there's so much to question. So many holes. I don't have an answer to any of it. I don't know where I stand or if I'm going to heaven. I just try to be a good person and hope God is okay with me, too.

Sunday, January 08, 2012

Click "Like" If You Still Read This

Okay, you can't actually click "Like" here. But I am wondering about the relevance of blogging vs the now hipper micro blogging like Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest. Does anyone ever actually read this blog anymore?