He's my favorite person.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Saturday, January 25, 2014
It was gorgeous outside today, or so I read on Facebook. The sky outside my bedroom window looked an azure blue. Friends invited me to sun with them in the park. I ignored the texts and social network invites. Just because. It's unlike me to be slow to answer texts. I just didn't want to do it. I wanted the world to stop, or go away. Ironically I know I'll wonder where everyone is at some moment. But today I just didn't want to do a damn thing. I feel fat and lazy and ugly and moody and I just wanted to sit with myself. Not much like me at all...but sometimes I think we all need a day. For no reason.
Sunday, December 22, 2013
Back to the long life span. I'm naturally attracted to research on aging and life extension. I read the Methuselah Factor as a young teen, subscribed to a newsletter and magazine back in the 90's devoted to life extension. My ears perked when Google announced the Calico project (the idea is to basically end death) and am quite taken by this skinny, long-haired, British hippie scientist, Aubrey de Grey:
...and his "longevity escape velocity" theory.
Now, according to 23andMe I possess a genetic code that is supposed to make me look 3 years older than most of my peers. However, if you've ever seen me (or my parents for that matter) you will notice I have very good skin (and so do quite a lot of my family members), despite the science. Part of this is likely my obsession with sunscreen, part of it I'm not sure...good nutrition? Perhaps the genetic test was wrong? What I know for sure is I am not delusional in saying I don't look my age (maybe you do think I'm delusional, or maybe age is a fluid thing and everyone can look younger or older, depending on how you perceive them?).
Let's back up to explain aging here for those unfamiliar with the process. The way you age has to do with something called telomeres. These telomeres protect your chromosomes from deteriorating. Every time your cells regenerate a part of the telomere is "cut". Some people have longer telomeres than others and those with the longer telomeres tend to age more slowly than everyone else.
We may just be on the brink of ending aging, death, disease for those of us lucky enough to be near the science behind it. But what does this mean for us as a human species and our purpose here on Earth? I believe there is a life beyond this one and that we are on this planet to fulfill certain things to help ourselves grow and develop as spiritual beings. I'm not sure I do believe in reincarnation, but I do believe we get several chances to go back and listen to that internal knowing and get back on our path. We may possibly be permitted to be the first generation able to live 1000 years or more. What does this mean for the planet and for our purposes while we are on it? I absolutely feel it in my blood and in my bones that I was made to live a long time. I feel around 100 years...but is that part of a genetic imprint that I could possibly go well beyond in my own lifetime? Will we, as human beings ever unlock the key of death and free ourselves from the rotting grave via science? Or must we wait for the Christian resurrection to escape the grave and be turned anew (that is, if you believe that is more than just a fairy tale made up to help children cope with death that was then somehow passed on as a reality throughout the generations).
I'm betting on science, but that internal knowing of things we cannot possibly know nags at me, pulls me aside and tells me there is more. That we know things beyond the bounds of science and logic and that each of us is built-in with a purpose here to fulfill if we can only sit still and not worry about our time or the tolling of the bell for us.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Could our dreams foretell the future? Our subconscious picks up clues, details we are often not aware of in the conscious, waking world and manifests them in our dream life. Passed on through a weird and wild mix of neurons firing, brain chemistry and magic interpretation if only we can remember it all. Last night I had a dream in which my roommate was wearing the latest sports technology. It was clear like glass or plastic but with digital output clearly displayed. It went around the top of her arm and around her shoulders and over her back. I asked if this was the latest technology and was interested in trying it for the new year. She showed me how it worked...then she tried to sit on my lap. I was laughing and suggested maybe I should sit on her lap because she was actually sitting on my stomach, not my lap and it was crushing me. What does any of that mean? Future? Symbolic?
The other night I had a dream my boss said to hang on and that really big things were just around the corner for our company. He was very serious about it. He kept saying to just hang on. I dreamed I vacillated between sitting in his desk when he was gone and sitting in a tiny school desk, lower than everyone else. I kept having to move myself. When I sat across from him and he would leave he would have me sit in his desk and I was in charge of employees who would come to me. But if I went looking for my own desk in the room of people there was only a tiny desk available for me. I kept having to get a better desk for myself because it didn't seem anyone else was thinking about me and my needs for a more normal desk. Deep, some of it very obvious but not entirely clear on other parts...and possibly foreshadowing the future. I dreamed we had 100 employees and a big classroom.
What are your thoughts? Have you had future dreams (meaning dreams that foreshadow your future)? Did they come true?
Saturday, November 16, 2013
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Friday, November 01, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Back to dreaming...Have you ever had a dream that continued on for several nights? It's the same dream, same continued story or theme that picks up each night you sleep. Those are interesting. What causes them? Still unresolved ideas? Not sure. Anyhow, I'm blessed with a great, strange, wild, mostly sane, balanced, creative mind. I'm generally happy and have a positive mind. I sleep well, I have good, vivid, interesting dreams, too. I'm so lucky. I'm going to be better at writing them down.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
So back to men... I got to this point earlier this year where I had been so hurt with every relationship, ever that I just didn't even want to date. Anyone. I was done. I threw myself into work and a few hobbies and said good riddance. And I was pretty happy. Like really happy. Okay, I'm naturally happy most of the time...but I did not miss dating or sex or anything! Like at all. And it was awesome.
And then of course, yet again I fell into some horrible voodoo love spell because this is how this works. And of course it turned out I read the whole thing wrong and he was "just not that into me".
..which REALLY sucked when I was so content before and didn't even care and then BAM! I didn't even like him at first...in fact he annoyed the crap out of me. So tonight I find myself totally alone and holding this pathetic pity party and watching bad television. It's crazy, I'm crazy. I feel like I'm going crazy because this just happened again. Again!
Why do I even let myself care?
Because...and I'll tell you why...I truly, truly want to believe!
It's true. I do. I want the love story. The pathetic hearts and flowers together forever and we build a life together amazingness that has seemed to elude me for going on 35 years now. I want to believe that there is a man out there that I am attracted to that is fun and awesome and loves me back in a way that actually is love. Love. Like he doesn't lie to me or is not one way in front of some people and another way in front of other people. Love. Like he treats me the way every single nice girl on the planet deserves to be treated and he doesn't have some weird, sick, secret perversion. Love. Real love. Not where he thinks he owns me or tries to control me or tell me what to do all the time. Love, actual love. Love like best friends with life-long benefits kind of love and we are equal and we give to each other simply because we love each other kind of love. Love that means something and makes me want to be better because of how I feel when I'm with him...and he wants to be with me just as much kind of love. It exists, I know it! It has to. All this other crap, it's not worth it. It's stupid and it hurts too much and it sucks. I've been in too many crappy relationships and it's way too damn hard to go through one more. Not one more. I'm not doing it. I'm just not. Really. It's enough to make me want to just give up and just not think about love at all. Yet, I still also want to believe. Crazy. Crazy love. I believe in it. I believe I deserve it. To be loved like that and give love like that. And that exists. It has to. It has to for me, for everyone who believes in it.
So here's to the crazy ones who think like me. Who believe real love exists, that they deserve it and don't want any substitutes for it. You crazy ones, we're all crazy enough to believe we don't have to be stuck with anything less. It hurts to walk away from the less. Every damn time it really does. But it's less than love and that is not enough. And it makes it okay for me to sit here in sweats on a Saturday night, alone.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Anyway, there was also this dog that came into the yard so I was going to just keep him, then this other dog came. My parents said I had too many animals, but what was I to do? The dogs were already there and I wasn't giving up the horse or the house.
Then the house was a bit like a doll house and someone tried to tell me it was a house where this guy used to live and that I wouldn't believe where he used to stay. They showed me in the foyer near the chapel like it was shocking but it wasn't shocking...I mean the house was abandoned and empty so why did it even matter?
Trying to make sense of this dream...
Monday, August 19, 2013
had a very detailed and what seems to be symbolic dream last night. Here are the details:
I was at my own wedding and the groom was waiting but first I decided to come out in my gym clothes to make sure I could be myself. The guests were surprised but the groom said he was glad and that he was marrying me just the way I am. Upon hearing that I was happy and changed into a pretty, white wedding gown and we got married. Then after I saw a woman who was a friend of my mom's a long time ago. She was a very beautiful woman, almost like a movie star (this is in real life). She's also divorced. In the dream she was sitting next to her ex-husband's new wife who was even more beautiful, the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, with long dark hair and the most unusual and spectacular bright blue eyes! Both of them were wearing royal blue dresses and I found I was also wearing a blue dress over my wedding dress. The beautiful new woman had perfect skin and features and looked at me with her piercing eyes and we looked each other in the face and smiled and decided we were friends. The divorced woman looked amazed. She didn't know what to think of this.
Then I went to the reception in the cultural hall of the church. My husband went off with his friends and I was making sure the preparations were under way and the food brought in. There were other people in the kitchen and I was upset because they were taking up space and my time at my wedding. I told them they could use the space but I was having a wedding. The food was brought in and I was at the table with all this wedding food and family (all women) and we were waiting for the groom. I didn't want to approach him because I was new to him and didn't want to scare him away (even though we were married) so I waited for him to come back. He introduced me to some of his family members when he did...it started dawning on me that I knew the groom in real life (and he's actually already married to a friend of mine).
The groom kept changing from the guy my friend is married to to another guy...but I noted none of the guys were my real ex bf. In fact, he was somewhere outside and missed out and didn't get to marry me cuz he'd waited too long to ask me and I found someone else. Anyway...
So then when the groom was there I turned and asked if he wanted to go have sex and I winked. He seemed surprised...but then it changed back to the other groom and it was okay and we were at our new apartment. Everything was dark. The lights were not on. He seemed nervous but we were getting ready to (or at least we were now in our apartment and setting up for our life)...and then I woke up.
I think the divorced woman represents Utah and my life there. The new, beautiful woman is my future and life as it is becoming for me now. I think the wedding may be religious or may mean marriage in real life is in my future. If religious then it may mean my relationship with God and Christ and wanting to be accepted as I am. Or with people in general and wanting to be accepted for who I am and then becoming the bride and shining once accepted. In real life I do sometimes test the waters that way and then become very loyal if I see someone is genuinely accepting of the real me, just as I am.
The wedding food, the waiting for the groom...may be prosperity but timing it right? The groom changing I don't know. The dark apartment may mean seeing that far into the future and it's still dark as to what it will be. Sex is usually union or consummation of change...Overall it was a pretty happy dream, even with the worry and not wanting to scare the groom off. It could also mean a business deal and making sure the deal goes well.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Last night I dreamed I was going somewhere on a train or a plane. Turned out it was a plane. Somehow I ended up on top of the plane with someone else (Pete from Mad Men I think but not sure. Some office guy). I was trying to talk him into getting back inside. We were stuck up there till the plane landed or he decided...I can't remember. Not sure if he was my alter ego or represented someone else to me. The plane landed and we got back in safely. It just took some talking. I remember it being totally safe to sit up there but we couldn't move too much and had to stay up there till it was okay to go back inside. Other people were helping us and aware of the situation. I think this one is work related.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Here's my interpretation: The waves are hardships in life. I had a few very big ones, though less frequent at the beginning of my life, then as life progressed, hardships kept coming on a more consistent basis. Now I've come to expect them. And yet, here I am, unweathered and still standing.
Monday, March 18, 2013
So I'm back writing this post as more of an update about my life and not a dream. I wasn't really consistent on that rant anyway...but I'll probably continue to write some of them in as they had this clever way of helping me see the true meaning of the dream as I wrote it all down.
My friend E, who is a newly certified psychiatrist, was convinced that last one with the cucumbers was about sex (of course, thanks Freud). I could see how she thought that but it wasn't. It was about the fruits of my perseverance in searching for what I wanted to do with my life. At least that's what I think it was. In any case it had a much deeper meaning. Freudian psychology only traps us, I believe. He got hung up on sex and the natural instincts of man and failed to reach for more or acknowledge our brains are much deeper than our impulses. Although, ya, some dreams are probably just about sex.
But I digress...
Southby was a boon and glad I went, despite getting sick. I can't openly explain why at this moment so you'll just have to stay tuned.
In the meantime I leave you with the worst picture ever of me and Shaq...it was taken backstage after his interview with Brian Solis...and unfortunately (for me) looks more like he is leading a blind child.
Here's a MUCH better picture with me and Jeremy Blum, the MIT student responsible for the creation of all things electronic at MakerBot (including the 3D printer).
Sunday, February 10, 2013
In writing down my dreams I suddenly discover what the dream is about...but I don't know that I would have if I had not written this down. I'm looking for something that will bear a certain fruit in my life (cucumber symbol) that is sought after by others but is not in an obvious place. I need to read the signs. Clever brain, very clever.
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
Sunday, February 03, 2013
I then dropped my stuff off at the hotel and began wandering through the crowd (I think I was trying to get back to the other side of the hotel to see my family again). There were ladies in the kitchen in the cultural hall, like at church, but it was decided it was best if the kitchen were open so everyone could see what they were doing in there. The ladies were busying about cooking things while everyone was in a church meeting and everyone else (the world?) was milling about in the mall outside. Some authorities didn't like that the kitchen was open and felt the ladies would be bothered or exposed so they closed it up with brick and mortar again (that all happened in an instant cuz dreams just happen that way). I remember seeing my cousin Katie milling about with family (headed to the airport?) and then she wandered into the kitchen, too.
I wandered through the food court in search of something but can't remember what..a person? I found some friends who wanted to go into the pool. A man accused a boy I sort of knew to dive deep into the pool. This boy was sometimes a boy and sometimes a young man, depending on what my age was at the time in the dream. He had a shock of blonde hair and somehow was familiar to me, like I knew him but in real life I don't think I do.
Everyone said not to jump in and that he couldn't handle going into the pool it since he'd never been in the pool before. But he decided to get brave and dive in. Other friends of his had to go get him as he sank to the bottom. It turned out he couldn't swim. Rainn Wilson was there too (Dwight from The Office), observing the scene. So his friends went to get him and put him up on the side of the pool so he could get out but it turned out you had to climb out of the pool on a slippery slide. If you had the strength you could do it just fine, but if not it was a struggle.
The boy attempted to climb up the slide but he had no strength left from thrashing around in the water and he slipped an fell into the pool again and began to drown.
Everyone saw this happen and loved the boy so much they all dived in after him, hundreds of people, to find him. I was afraid he wouldn't be found and that there were too many people in the pool now. There were so many in the pool that there wasn't room for any water and as people left you could see some people had been trampled to death, which at the time seemed worth it to find the boy, who was found somehow standing at the edge of the pool. He escaped getting trampled by the crowd looking for him.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Dissecting the meaning of this dream may take some time. So far I think fute, inner child, purpose of life and something to do with family. Not a lot so far.
Monday, January 21, 2013
My dreams seem to be novels or PBS specials at the moment.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
In another part of the dream a friend of mine was falling out of a window. I pulled her back up and saved her life but then her hands were on fire so I blew on them and healed her. The future husband's female family members were amazed and told me I had the "gift". I admitted I was a dormant psychic. They said I should work on my powers and asked if I was Portuguese because of my dark hair. I told them I was not, but they insisted I must be something, especially with my powers. They were some ethnicity themselves even though the future husband was white.
I feel the need to keep writing these dreams down. Every dream I have written down here has actually come true in real life. The dreams are symbolic, they represent certain things, but they come true. I only recognize it after certain events happen and I am then reminded of the dream.
The last dream I wrote here recently came true. I have gone through something I did not want to and could not get out of even though I was pushing on the glass (transparent and obvious way to get out) as hard as I could. I could not break it. This thing has killed what I wanted to work on and the vessel (representing a part of me and my life) have been plunged into the depths of despair. The pillars are representations of people, threats, cyclones that would not be moved. The vessel is my life.
Strangely I think I will be okay, it's just a change. Not sure if I should still be uneasy about things but I feel okay about it now.
I am curious to know how this new dream will manifest itself and what it means. Who is this broken and rebuilt man with wax on his ears that I am to marry? What was with saving my friend and blowing out the fire with powers?
Monday, December 24, 2012
This dream really scared me...so naturally I turned to the internet to interpret what awfulness awaits. Turns out going into deep water and dreams of death can represent the subconscious mind and change in life. Plunging into deep water, a storm and all that signifies spirituality and the deeper recesses of one's mind. Death means one is shedding something from the past and transforming or experiencing the "death" of a part of one's self.
Freud, Jung and various dream interpreters would probably all see this a different way with somewhat similar elements. Either way it gave me some comfort.
Saturday, December 01, 2012
So then I went outside to the outside picnic tables at the place to discuss the experience and other things about my life with the animals boy...turned out he was Jamie's younger brother (in waking life Jamie is an only child). He was 24 and in a band and had a mop of dark, curly hair and olive skin. I told him I was frustrated with some things about Jamie and then the kid said he could fix them and that he would be a better man for me if I would choose him instead. I remember watching Jamie in the distance, talking to other people, completely unaware I was even there. I was frustrated with him and that he didn't see me and here was this good-looking, seemingly magical kid who was there, listening and promising me nice things. Then I woke up.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Other things happening in the dream: I was staying in a hotel. I was with my boyfriend. We were still in SF but it looked foreign...European? We went for dinner but there was a long wait. We walked back up the stairs of the hotel but I had these high heels on that made it hard to walk...then I realized I was pregnant, along with some other girl just like me. We were wearing slutty looking dresses but both pregnant. We both had these heels on that were ridiculous. We were walking on carpet that was too plush. It was green, I think.
What does it all mean...??
Thursday, October 11, 2012
What does this mean?
Maybe nothing...making it is symbolic of something rattling around deep inside my head...or perhaps something else. A connection to the collective, psychic conscious.
So this morning on my way into work I'm listening to WNYC's Radio Lab podcast via the Stitcher app when a story comes on about astronauts on the brink of death, floating away in space who somehow manage to save each other.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Das strange, ya?
Thursday, September 13, 2012
I believe this means I'm concurring my fears.
Another interpretation is that I will have victory over my enemies!
Many of the interpretations I looked up involving my recent snake dreams seemed to be rooted in religion and prophecy. For instance, one interpretation was about John's prophecy of the seed of woman crushing the head of the snake as well as in Genesis, the decree from God that the serpent bites the heel of man and the woman's seed will crush it under their feet; meaning overcoming the powers of evil.
I don't think that had anything to do with my dream, but the dream symbol of a snake seems to be a powerful one, straight from the subconscious mind, meant to get our attention.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
I looked up snakes and king cobras because these are not things I regularly dream about. Apparently there is something in my life that I am not paying attention to and really need to and this is my subconscious trying to get my attention. I am pretty sure I know what it is and just simply need to deal with it.
So here I am with this giant, hidden cobra and I'm not sure if it is going to strike.
Tuesday, September 04, 2012
Sunday, September 02, 2012
Also, in the town I was in that posted about the movie there was this family reunion or wedding or something going on that I was there for...only it wasn't my real family but some Victorian type family. The odd thing is that if you left the dream you wouldn't exist to them anymore. They thought of it as dying. Other people had left and they no longer remembered them. I told one person that I would remember them. I was already starting to wake up and it seemed I was sort of fading as well.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Thursday, August 23, 2012
I've been thinking lately about the Book of Revelations and the "end of days". Here's the paradox: In the beginning of the world, when Adam and Eve are kicked out of the Garden of Eden, they realize this is a good thing because if they didn't know the bitter they'd never have known the sweet. The story goes that if they had never known misery and pain they'd never know joy...so after the fall and they are cast out and the world is as it is in this our current state, they discover joy (for the Mormons, see 2 Nephi 2:25). But then in Revelations, chapter 21 God says he'll wipe away all tears and there won't be anymore sorrow or pain...and it suggests we'll all follow God in this new heaven and new earth and there will be no more sin. Happy days, right? Except...um, we just learned that in order to have happiness/joy, you have to know sadness and pain...
My question is this...in this "end of days/Revelations" scenario, will we no longer have joy? How can there be happiness if there is no more pain and suffering? Surely we cannot rid ourselves of pain, of sorrow unless we also rid ourselves of happiness.
Is this Bible verse a lie? Which is it? No more pain, tears...or yes still pain and tears? We know God has emotions, God weeps, so how can there be no more tears? It seems a paradox.
Either we really will not cry or feel any more pain and thus not experience true joy either (total bummer). Or this part of Revelations was a nice idea generated to placate those who now suffer and wish it to end and would like some rest from it all. Which would make the 21st chapter of Revelations a lie.
In Buddhism, life is suffering. There is no end to suffering. Their goal is to reach a point where their soul doesn't reincarnate, a state where you basically don't exist anymore (Nirvana) and thus cannot experience anymore pain and suffering (which is what you get if you exist).
To me, personally, that sounds terrifying. I'd take the pain and suffering, along with the joy over erasing myself out of existence.
This verse in Revelations is basically saying "when Jesus comes again all your suffering will stop and you won't cry and everything will be perfect!"...but then it doesn't seem to get/acknowledge the yin to the yang, that with suffering also comes joy.
Personally, no offense to Buddhist ideals or Revelations 21, but I want to exist. I want to be able to cry and to feel and to live, knowing I have the ability to know the difference.
Friday, August 17, 2012
Sex is a powerful human drive that can have various meanings in dreams. Freud thought everything was about sex. Jung disagreed and thought even sex could be about something else; perhaps our human search for meaning? It could also be a way for your subconscious mind to get your attention. And boy does it!
So here's where you stop reading if you get offended by sex...Let me tell you about my dream last night. I had a dream about a guy friend who kept going on and on and on about how his fiance just loved to give him blow jobs. He was sitting at the edge of his bed, pants down (and neked and erect) and just wouldn't shut up about it. And he kept getting closer and closer to my face like I was going to do something. The whole time I was like "uh, dude, why are you telling me this?" Also, I was like "uh, pull your pants up!" It was disturbing. I didn't know why this was happening. He seemed to be fine, everything normal, but I felt like I was being pushed to do something I did not want to do or hear or participate in that had nothing to do with me.
So what does this mean? It was definitely an attention getter. It could mean I perceived that my friend was being too open with me...though we haven't talked in a while and definitely nothing deep. It could mean I somehow subconsciously feel I'm invading someone else privacy. It could also reflect my current life. I may feel I'm being pushed to do things I don't want to do that I don't think are appropriate. Sometimes in writing this stuff out on here I have these "aha moments" and know I'm getting closer to what my mind is working out with me.
The whole sex symbology in dreams is quite fascinating. It puts people off, it grabs attention, it's highly embarrassing/taboo to discuss. Yet there it is, and everyone in the entire world has had a dream or two like this.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Thursday, August 09, 2012
Saturday, August 04, 2012
Friday, August 03, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Thursday, July 19, 2012
I looked up the meaning. There were a variety of interpretations on this one. About half seemed to think this was a dream that meant some sort of emotional trauma I'm still dealing with. That may be true...
It used to be you just walk in and then they see you. Now you have to sign up for Healthy SF. It's San Francisco's great secret that they've provided medical help for everyone all along and it works. You sign up and if you have no money or are under a certain threshold you get it for free. If you need certain medications they will also cover that for free under the program. Since I'm funemployed at the moment I totally qualify (hurray!). All you do is tell them what is going on with you and why you need to see a doctor (for me it was an OBGYN check up). I just signed some papers with emergency contact info, they gave me a green plastic card for drugs (the medical kind), and then ushered me in to see the doc. That was that.
I'll let you draw your own political conclusions about this but as for me, I'm very grateful something like this exists for the people.
This is a picture of the clinic from far away. It's just around the corner from my house.
And these are some hippie kids from a long time ago that were waiting at the free clinic for their universal healthcare.
Monday, July 16, 2012
I was in a newsroom, working as a reporter and it was in a hotel. A large building. The head producer kept barking orders about social media and I kept trying to say what should be happening since that's my wheelhouse but everyone kept chiming in and I was frustrated since none of them knew what they were doing and I actually had a lot of experience in this. Then I was going on a trip to California from Utah and my mom didn't want me using her minivan to drive the whole way cuz she was afraid it would be too many miles on the car. I said not to worry and that I was only driving to my friend's house in Sandy...but really I was planning on driving all the way to California and knew I'd be fine. I was in my family house with my mom, dad, older brother and some other people when this girl comes walking down the street claiming to be a missionary for the LDS Church. I don't see the common name tag identifier or a companion with her so I'm skeptical (though she is dressed in church clothes and a long dress coat and no makeup, hair pulled back in a pony so she looks like a missionary in some ways). I ask her where her companion is and she shrugs it off and says she doesn't need to be with her all the time cuz she knows the spirit of the law and she's cool like that. My brother tests her by grabbing her and planting a kiss on her mouth. I see her face register that maybe she shouldn't be playing "cool like that" and should go actually do the things she signed up to do as a missionary. So then I start readying myself for the journey and packing and somehow the whole social media thing is happening in my house and I'm like I gotta go cuz they are not listening and don't know what they are doing. Then I wake up...
This dream I'm going to chalk up as working things out in my head/brain chemistry. Maybe it is significant and means something and I'll find out later but I really think I'm just working things out. There are a lot of times in my profession where the people in charge don't really get what it is I do and I try to explain how it works and how it has successfully worked for me, list the stats and research but they may not want things to be the way they really are, have their own ideas, don't understand a fully executed plan, etc. and don't listen. It happens. Also I think the dream is a reflection of me working stuff out about church. I read this article in The New Republic last night before bed about this ex-Mormon guy and how he lost his faith but still loves the way the members have helped him when times were tough.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
So I tried out the little experiment last night, allowing myself 4.5 hours of sleep (to wake up at 7:30). Not as much sleep as I'm accustomed to, but it actually worked. I was awake and ready to get up...then I looked at my alarm and determined there is no reason to get up at 7:30 am when I don't even have to move my car till 9...so back to sleep I went. It was really hard to get myself up at 8:30 to get ready and move my car. Much harder than waking up at 7:30. So I let myself sleep in for "10 more minutes". This turned into sleeping in till 9...and luckily when I went to get my car I did not have a ticket (hurray).
The other thing about this experiment is that I spent so much time thinking and calculating it out this morning that I didn't retain my dream. All I remember is that it was some sort of a journey in a three part series...
Sunday, July 08, 2012
How not to talk to someone about a break up...and also why sometimes our dreams lack a plot (a working theory)
I have been wondering lately if the way other people think (their thought waves/energy/aura/soul) can seep into your mind and affect your dreams.
Anyway it was a series of images (instead of the usual story line) and lots of waking in between and thinking and hurting about the break up. Everyone has an opinion for me about the split. People with the loudest opinions seem to be perpetually single, though, so I don't know why they feel so comfortable with all this armchair philosophy when all I really need is a sympathetic ear and a hug...I'm allowed to hurt and cry and grieve and miss someone.
Side note about the rabbit dream and the boy in it who wasn't interested in me btw...that turns out to be a bit of a psychic premonition. I tried to go on a date on Friday morning (we met for coffee) to just keep myself busy. The guy was so checked out and he didn't even know it. He was really not into me. Hard to believe, I know. Also, I think I pushed myself to go on the date to get over my ex bf but really I don't want to do that at all. I just want to cry and I want a hug and I want people to see things the way I see them and want me forever.
And possibly I shouldn't be going on dates right now anyway when I know I'm not actually feeling like it.
Love is a miracle. I'm really sad. And I didn't sleep much.
Thursday, July 05, 2012
Wednesday, July 04, 2012
Sunday, July 01, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
I should mention I found a secret passage way to escape the cult in the building I was in. I couldn't let anyone else know but there was a back vent and I had to wait patiently till they (cult leaders who were hold all of us hostage) weren't looking. Also there were these black people and one of the men died right in front of us. He was shot or had a heart attack. I remember saying it was weird to see someone who was animated not have any life in them anymore.
Mixed in with the nightmares was another dream where I was in the old Crossroads Mall in SLC and it was abandoned (bc there's now a new mall). The mall was open but all the lights were off and the stores were possibly closed but you couldn't tell unless you opened their doors and the lights might be on and they might actually have been open. I went up this really high elevator and into this pitch blackness. Everything was dark in the upper levels.
Very odd dreams.
I've read that nightmares are a way for your subconscious mind to try and get your attention if you are not paying attention to something...not sure what I'm not paying attention to though...
Monday, June 25, 2012
Anyway, somehow in the dream I also left that scenario and I was in "Dallas" the soapy TV show and the show was real life and it was taking place in a Costco. I had stuff to find and buy and using my magical powers I was locating the items in the store (or at least getting their approximate location in the store) through the energy I felt with my powers. Also somehow there were people running into water bc the edge of the ocean was at one part of the store (the store was quite large...it was Costco).
Sunday, June 24, 2012
In the dream I went down to the front room and spoke with the keeper of the estate and with my family and also my bf's mom was there (she is actually a gemologist). I told them all that I had found and I asked his mom if she would help me identify what all the gems were and she said she would. The keeper of the estate affirmed that everything in the house was now mine and that whatever was in the house when I bought it I owned. I went exploring more and found a dresser stuck in between some walls and a fireplace. I thought to pull it out (as it was out of place) but thought to just leave it there as is because the previous owners obviously had put it there for a reason and I didn't want to mess anything up. I reasoned I would come back to it and work on that part of the house later.
The rooms upstairs were grand and big and sunny. They had old wood floors and the sun gleamed in through the windows.
My bf's mom then challenged me to create some art. It was a competition between me and a child that she thought would be the better artist. I surprised her because I turned out to be a really good artist, or at least better than she expected. I remember her admiring my work, the sculptures I made and the way I painted them and gave everything dimension. I explained that my art was just different than the child's and so it stood out more.
I will really have to think about the meaning of all of this. I would say usually children represent your inner child but I know this one was not my inner child but a rep of something else...possibly my bf? Possibly someone I believe she sees better suited than me for her son? (I've had a feeling she may not think I'm good enough bc I'm not Jewish, but that may just be me thinking that and not her true feelings). The gems are a good omen, as is the grand house and all the nice things in it. Treasures. I'll have to think of the dresser stuck in the wall between two rooms. Most likely it is an aspect of myself or a problem I don't want to solve just right now.
If you believe yourself to be an intuitive/have a gift for dream interpretation I welcome your thoughts.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
I was in Utah, driving to Harmons grocery store in the Brickyard area (which is a very nice and pleasant local grocery store there). It had been totally renovated and there was this very long and high up elevator that I had to get on to park the car and go into the store. So I attempted to go up the elevator but had trouble with coordination. IRL I actually think about this, about coordinating getting on and off and timing it with people who may not be paying attention. So I finally get on and it takes me up to the building but the building has a note on it with an email for my contact there. I only remember part of it anemae.?.com. I can't remember the ? part but I do remember the first part, anemae because I had to email or contact this person using it but had to check several times because when I got to email this person I couldn't remember how to spell it and had to go up the elevator to check again. Every time I checked I would see people from this PR firm working on projects. I never made it inside the grocery store.
I think the store symbolizes bounty and the high up elevator represents the esteem I give the circumstances. The driving is my life. The PR people an interview I'm about to go on. The contact email I'm not sure about. I googled it and got nada. Wish I could remember the rest of it.
I had this dream last night with everyone I have ever had bad feelings for or who had ever been mean to me. They were all there and I had to deal with them. They were still mean but I was acting as if it didn't bother me. Then I woke up around 3 a.m. and thought about ghosts, turned on my phone as a sort of protective night light, prayed all sorts of prayers of protection and went back to bed.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Smitty told me he was being awarded an MBA by the leadership in Utah. I remember being pissed because he had only gone to community college and I felt he didn't deserve the award and was somehow tricking them into thinking he'd done more. He then proceeded to take me to his family to introduce me but I reminded him I'd already met his family. He seemed surprised and I had to remind him when I had met them before. There were some tall buildings that we went to and we were on a floor that was high up. So we see his family, particularly his parents, but it wasn't his parents he actually has in real life.
My former boss at the Senate was also in this dream (I think he represents survival skills bc he's a former desert survival guide for teens).
I still don't know all the meanings in all these dreams. I just have to write them so I'll remember them better. I do know, however, that Smitty is a representation of a former friend who actually dated him. She did something quite rude to me in real life and I have been very mad at her. I may feel she doesn't deserve a lot of things and that she is not honest...and somewhere in there is my personal vision and connection to Utah in some apocalyptic vision (a change in my life and not being in Utah anymore).
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
This is why I must write this shit out when I wake up.
I was a little scared to try lucid dreaming. Not sure how restful it is...but I do want to try it.
They say it is hard to maintain it, but then there are reports of people who do it all the time, who are used to it. These people can control their dreams or ask questions to the characters and get answers...or ask a higher conscious the meaning of the dream. Some say they even enter other people's dreams or can share a dream with loved ones across distances and that both people will describe being in the same dream, but from their perspective.
Robert Waggoner, one of the foremost authorities on lucid dreaming, has had over 1000 recorded lucid dreams. He says one time he asked a character if he realized he was a character in his dream and the character replied, "How do you know you are not a character in my dream?".
The world is full of wonders to me. Sometimes I feel like this, too, is just a dream of our own making. We are in a very real dream.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Dudes, you too can harness the power of the pin and have a fine time doing it. Check it:
Friday, April 06, 2012
In some ways I can relate. When I left the church after going through the temple I really did not want to tell my parents. I felt this heavy burden of keeping it from them so I wouldn't upset them or make them sad. How could I confess that I did not want to be a part of the church because of my questions about changes in doctrine, the sanitization and PR changes to church history, obvious historical faux pas (blacks and the priesthood, trading polygamy for statehood, women no longer able to heal the sick or perform laying on of hands) the confusing modern messages to both men and women that don't fit with modern times.
And now here is this video and this amazing openness and the safety in which gay BYU students feel comfortable confessing their same sex attraction. I didn't realize what gay Mormons must go through when all the other kids like the opposite gender and they like the same. I just didn't think about it until now. The part where the kid prays and tells God he's gay and asks if that is okay and then God makes him feel accepted for just the way he is as a gay man is something to think about. In a church that teaches that marriage is only between a man and a woman and where the family unit is sacred and gayness is not acceptable...how do you reconcile that if you both believe the doctrine AND find yourself to be gay AND find that God accepts that part of you? How can the church be true if God is okay with them living the gay lifestyle? How can one have such strong experiences within a church that teaches being gay (acting on being gay) is unacceptable and then have God tell them that they are acceptable? And don't feed me that bullshit about being gay but just not acting on it. That kid in the video got a confirmation from God that his lifestyle is okay, that everything about him is okay.
I have had some very strong experiences in the LDS church. Sacred experiences. These experiences used to make me believe it, all of it. How could I not? But there's so much to question. So many holes. I don't have an answer to any of it. I don't know where I stand or if I'm going to heaven. I just try to be a good person and hope God is okay with me, too.