In some ways I can relate. When I left the church after going through the temple I really did not want to tell my parents. I felt this heavy burden of keeping it from them so I wouldn't upset them or make them sad. How could I confess that I did not want to be a part of the church because of my questions about changes in doctrine, the sanitization and PR changes to church history, obvious historical faux pas (blacks and the priesthood, trading polygamy for statehood, women no longer able to heal the sick or perform laying on of hands) the confusing modern messages to both men and women that don't fit with modern times.
And now here is this video and this amazing openness and the safety in which gay BYU students feel comfortable confessing their same sex attraction. I didn't realize what gay Mormons must go through when all the other kids like the opposite gender and they like the same. I just didn't think about it until now. The part where the kid prays and tells God he's gay and asks if that is okay and then God makes him feel accepted for just the way he is as a gay man is something to think about. In a church that teaches that marriage is only between a man and a woman and where the family unit is sacred and gayness is not acceptable...how do you reconcile that if you both believe the doctrine AND find yourself to be gay AND find that God accepts that part of you? How can the church be true if God is okay with them living the gay lifestyle? How can one have such strong experiences within a church that teaches being gay (acting on being gay) is unacceptable and then have God tell them that they are acceptable? And don't feed me that bullshit about being gay but just not acting on it. That kid in the video got a confirmation from God that his lifestyle is okay, that everything about him is okay.
I have had some very strong experiences in the LDS church. Sacred experiences. These experiences used to make me believe it, all of it. How could I not? But there's so much to question. So many holes. I don't have an answer to any of it. I don't know where I stand or if I'm going to heaven. I just try to be a good person and hope God is okay with me, too.