I needed to sit down for a minute and catch my breath. My emotions are running high lately. Something to do with trying to figure out how to make everything work out so I don't get totally screwed. What I mean is I used to be doing really well. Then I got this itch. This itch to LEAVE UTAH. And it's been quite a few months that itch hasn't been scratched.
And I concentrated on that. Almost like an obsession. On finding the right opportunity. And then I almost had it. A couple times. But still, nada. And I told those I worked for about my plans and that I couldn't continue contracting out in the future because of those plans. And I told all new inquiries that I couldn't do that with them, either. Marketing is not a one shot deal. It takes months, sometimes years of working on something to get public recognition. You think you see it once on the news or read about it somewhere and you think it was easy, that the marketer did one little thing. It actually takes time and planning. So it wouldn't be ethical of me to contract out, get a job somewhere and leave whoever hired me up a creek. So I let my business go a bit that way. I had to. I'd made other plans. Plans that included leaving. And I didn't know when. And now here I am. Wondering why I did that...and if I will be able to pay my mortgage next month.
The parents aren't taking the news that I don't believe in their religion very well, either. That's hard. My dad takes things like that hard. He doesn't understand why I even want to leave Utah or do anything else but be here and just find "some job" (which he informs me means working at Walmart or being a telemarketer cuz they will hire anybody). We go in circles on this. The some job any job will do thing. It hurts he thinks so little of me after all the experiences I've had and work I've done (Senate, KSL reporter, NPR)...that he thinks I should settle into minimum wage telemarketing??
So I informed the parents that, instead, to make ends meet I'd be moving out of my little house and putting all my stuff in storage and renting out the place.
I woke up in the middle of the night about a week and a half ago and had this epiphany. I need to move out and rent this place to make this work. It's not in the best area for a gal to live on her own anyway. Even though I love it and I love the chickens and the garden I hear gun shots sometimes. The police arrest people here much more frequently. I can probably name all the dealers up and down the street. Last night someone shined a flashlight directly in my house. The lights were off and they shined it right in from the street. I hid behind the couch because I was just in my underwear. Alone. They probably saw me and they know I'm alone here now. So ya, I need to pay my mortgage and I need to move away and 5 houses are already for sale on this street and for less than I paid for the place 3 years ago. So I'm going to rent. This is very stressful.
So I'm making plans, I ask the parents about moving in with them in the meantime (not ideal), I start to box things up. I may even have some potential interviews in SF and some ppl to crash with for a couple weeks while I visit out there...when my dad, who doesn't want me to leave Utah informs me that there's no point in trying to leave Utah bc the market is bad, California will fall into the ocean, religion is here. I need to get a job anyway and telemarketing will do, right? Grrrrrrr!!!! That would hardly pay the bills and I wouldn't be able to leave for interviews anyway, I say. Then he says I can't move in with them till I've already rented my place out...??? So I tell him I have to have my stuff out so I can rent it. People want an empty place to rent, not the other way around. This also ended up being circular convo. I'm very frustrated at this point.
I'm not asking for much. I don't even want to stay with them. I just want to leave Utah...but have a good job lined up before I do that. I don't have to go to SF, never mind that my industry is centered there, but I do need to get the hell out of here. The culture, the people, the parents, the bad air, it's crushing me. I need somewhere I can grow and just be me the way I want to be me in life. I've never been in such a spot and I don't feel like I have anyone who can guide me through it. Definitely not my parents. Confused and agitated.