Thursday, July 14, 2011

I needed to sit down for a minute and catch my breath. My emotions are running high lately. Something to do with trying to figure out how to make everything work out so I don't get totally screwed. What I mean is I used to be doing really well. Then I got this itch. This itch to LEAVE UTAH. And it's been quite a few months that itch hasn't been scratched.

And I concentrated on that. Almost like an obsession. On finding the right opportunity. And then I almost had it. A couple times. But still, nada. And I told those I worked for about my plans and that I couldn't continue contracting out in the future because of those plans. And I told all new inquiries that I couldn't do that with them, either. Marketing is not a one shot deal. It takes months, sometimes years of working on something to get public recognition. You think you see it once on the news or read about it somewhere and you think it was easy, that the marketer did one little thing. It actually takes time and planning. So it wouldn't be ethical of me to contract out, get a job somewhere and leave whoever hired me up a creek. So I let my business go a bit that way. I had to. I'd made other plans. Plans that included leaving. And I didn't know when. And now here I am. Wondering why I did that...and if I will be able to pay my mortgage next month.

The parents aren't taking the news that I don't believe in their religion very well, either. That's hard. My dad takes things like that hard. He doesn't understand why I even want to leave Utah or do anything else but be here and just find "some job" (which he informs me means working at Walmart or being a telemarketer cuz they will hire anybody). We go in circles on this. The some job any job will do thing. It hurts he thinks so little of me after all the experiences I've had and work I've done (Senate, KSL reporter, NPR)...that he thinks I should settle into minimum wage telemarketing??

So I informed the parents that, instead, to make ends meet I'd be moving out of my little house and putting all my stuff in storage and renting out the place.

I woke up in the middle of the night about a week and a half ago and had this epiphany. I need to move out and rent this place to make this work. It's not in the best area for a gal to live on her own anyway. Even though I love it and I love the chickens and the garden I hear gun shots sometimes. The police arrest people here much more frequently. I can probably name all the dealers up and down the street. Last night someone shined a flashlight directly in my house. The lights were off and they shined it right in from the street. I hid behind the couch because I was just in my underwear. Alone. They probably saw me and they know I'm alone here now. So ya, I need to pay my mortgage and I need to move away and 5 houses are already for sale on this street and for less than I paid for the place 3 years ago. So I'm going to rent. This is very stressful.

So I'm making plans, I ask the parents about moving in with them in the meantime (not ideal), I start to box things up. I may even have some potential interviews in SF and some ppl to crash with for a couple weeks while I visit out there...when my dad, who doesn't want me to leave Utah informs me that there's no point in trying to leave Utah bc the market is bad, California will fall into the ocean, religion is here. I need to get a job anyway and telemarketing will do, right? Grrrrrrr!!!! That would hardly pay the bills and I wouldn't be able to leave for interviews anyway, I say. Then he says I can't move in with them till I've already rented my place out...??? So I tell him I have to have my stuff out so I can rent it. People want an empty place to rent, not the other way around. This also ended up being circular convo. I'm very frustrated at this point.

I'm not asking for much. I don't even want to stay with them. I just want to leave Utah...but have a good job lined up before I do that. I don't have to go to SF, never mind that my industry is centered there, but I do need to get the hell out of here. The culture, the people, the parents, the bad air, it's crushing me. I need somewhere I can grow and just be me the way I want to be me in life. I've never been in such a spot and I don't feel like I have anyone who can guide me through it. Definitely not my parents. Confused and agitated.

12 comments:

erinannie said...

Oh how I can sympathize.
Every single day (including today in a very emotionally charged conversation) I hear suggestions from my mother about why I should just go be a teacher or a nurse. And my dad asks why I can't just go get a mall job.
12 years of marketing experience, and they think I should be a what?

Steve said...

Well, if you need a place in Senegal, my door is open! :)

George Marie said...

Sarah, I feel the exact same way you do. When I came to Utah and was still active in the Church, I had this grand illusion that everyone who was active was happy with their life and their activity in the Church. The more I became dissatisfied with the Church, the more I found out that other people were happy.

I don't know what to say about job hunting. It's hard, I've tried to find something to do all summer, but haven't had much luck yet. In fact, all I can say is hold your head high and try to find something that suits and honors the skills that you have invested in learning throughout your life. Don't settle for something less because it would be a quick and easy fix. That's the difference between a career and a job. Jobs are 9-5 things that we do for a poor wage that do not really net us anything of value.

I had an interview at a payday loan place. They offered me a position for 8 an hour, but I turned it down after thinking about it. Frankly, life is just too damn short for something like that.

The other thing that I think is important to remember is that everyone deserves to be happy, and being happy is something that we can control to a certain extent.

Don't settle for something less. If there is a Heavenly Father, some days I am convinced and some days I am not of his existence, I think he would want us to be happy. And the most important thing is that he wants us to be happy by making the decisions that honor who we are and what we've done in our lives. I'm a bit verbose above, but I hope my words help.

mj said...

Well hey SJ this is your blog so let it all out, I guess. It really does suck when you get into a predicament like this. I remember working at $10/hr temp jobs after I had a master's degree (which is somewhat less than the going rate for teenage babysitters around here, by the way). It sucks.

And yeah you are allowed to be angry if you are angry. I would prefer that you not use stereotypes and generalize about a religion that I belong to. It's not like we're ALL a bunch of assholes. Maybe there's a bad apple or few in there. I don't know, maybe it's more common in your state, but yes I will find it a bit offensive when you trivialize my beliefs. I'll still be friends with you, though. I just hope you can get to the point where you aren't bitter and can just focus on getting your own happiness. I know it can be a long road to get there. Anyway, I'll still be your friend. I can handle being offended from time-to-time.

And if you're still interested in DC we may have a basement available for you.

SJ said...

MJ, that means a lot to me! And yes, I did sorta "let it all out" yesterday. I'm amending it after reading it. Mormons can be wonderful. Mormons can also be annoyingly stuck in one way of thinking. That's great if that's the way you want to live, I just don't like it when it affects me. I'm not bitter, really, just mad yesterday at a lot of things. My life is not going according to my plans at the moment and I was dealing with it well till, well, yesterday after the circular argumenting with my dad. I'm not looking for a job. I'm looking to continue on my career. Sorry I offended.

SJ said...

Also, Steve, +1. If only I could get myself there...

SJ said...

Also, argumenting? haha, I mean arguing.

Erin Ann Thomas said...

SJ, "people" can be stuck in their ways. ;)

Even a really brilliant publicist at a frustrating point in her career.

Try to move out of the blame mode --Utah, Mormonism, your parents, etc. are not responsible for your current dilemma, nor are they the true source of your frustration.

Take a deep breath-- try to stand outside yourself, beyond your religous doubts and all you're butting your head up against for a moment and isolate what you're really frustrated about.

Maybe it can't be fixed.

And then look for something to be grateful for.

There was a while back in which I couldn't tolerate spending another "minute" in D.C.--20 months and I'm still here.

A month and a half ago, I walked into work and left after an hour because I realized if I stayed any longer I was going to quit.

Things are much better now. And I've realized how much I need to focus on what's going for me right now.

Breath. Every time you sense yourself jumping into critical mode, step back and look for something good. Every time you catch yourself feeling stiffed, look for thing you have.

I have this feeling that things will work out, but not until you sort some things out. I also sense the current path is going to lead to more and more frustration and a lot of suckiness if you keeping stubbornly pressing forward.

Step back and breath. We love you.

abby said...

Well said mj. I was thinking the same thing myself. I love you SJ, but please don't mock the things I believe in even if you don't believe it any more. My mother said the exact same things when she left the Church and it hurt me greatly. She's still unhappy and bitter.

I understand where your parents are coming from on the job front. I had to humble myself and take on $10/hr temp jobs, like mj, but eventually I found my career again and the happiness I was missing before. I don't have a lot of things I want from life, but I have the comfort of knowing I'm doing the right things. If I was in your shoes, I would be praying for direction as I moved forward but that's me and not you.

The Holy Ghost is a wonderful gift and it has led me in directions that have brought me happiness and pain. That's what life is all about. Growing, learning from our mistakes, and moving forward.

I know some Mormons are insensitive or fake, but there are others that are genuine and giving. I'm a member of the LDS faith not because of the people in the Church. I'm a member of it, because, I have seen God's power revealed to me. I have felt the spirit of the Lord and I know that it is real. It took me four years of examining the Church before I could accept the Church. Now that I'm in it, I'm in it. It's part of my being and who I am.

It saddens me that you left. I think my sadness comes from the fact that I can see you need it now more than ever and you are walking away from it. However, don't leave with bitterness and don't hold it against those of us who still believe.

abby said...

And yes I did read the pre-revised version.

Erin Ann Thomas said...

SJ meant arguing. And I meant breathe... ;)

SJ said...

Just wanted to point out that I am NOT blaming Mormons for where I am at in my career. Or my parents. Or anyone. I'm just at a crossroads and am looking outside of Utah. I am, however, blaming Utah for being Utah. And I was frustrated at particular behavior.

I realized the inflamatory stuff I wrote wouldn't go over well but wrote whatever came to mind in the heat of the moment. I realized after it was a bit harsh and that if I were still a practicing Mormon I'd be offended, too. So hopefully all the offensive stuff to anyone has been removed. I love that you are all my friends and that you care about me.