Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Thoughts in my head when someone asks me how it is I'm not married:

I get asked a lot, as a 32 year old, sane, and (I'm told) attractive woman, why I'm not married. I don't always say this out loud, but it needs to be said at least once. Marriage shouldn't be done to just "have someone" or so you won't be alone. A long term relationship (and trust this, I know from experience, being in a bad one for four years) is way too hard for that. I think of getting married to someone that makes me want to marry them. I want to marry a guy whom I can't imagine life without. 

People assume you are miserable if you are single. Uh, no, quite the opposite. Being in a relationship means sacrificing and giving up things you want for the sake of the relationship. It means being less selfish and devoting time and energy to another person. You have to be willing to do that and it's not worth doing that unless that person is someone worth doing that for. Ya, it's nice to have that Vday companion, but if that person sucks or has behavioral problems, makes you feel like crap? Why? Why would I be with them just to be with someone? 

Marriage, to me is only worth it if that other person really is someone who makes my life better with them in it. And so what I want to say, but seldom do, when people ask me why it is I'm not married (as if I were in some way handicapped) is that I'll marry a man I can't imagine life without, a man who makes my life better, not just some guy, any guy, just so I can feel like I'm fitting in appropriately (or filling some imagined void).

3 comments:

Steve said...

Well said. You should just tell people "I'm waiting for the right girl to come along." and watch them sputter and blink confusingly. :)

mj said...

Right on.

I had frequent nightmares before Chris and I got married about losing him in some way. I vividly remember one where the world was being destroyed and I could escape through some vortex with the rest of my family, but I was waiting for Chris to drive over to the house we were in to join me. There was no way of knowing if he would make it in time and my family kept urging me to go through the vortex, but I wouldn't do it because I didn't want to be safe without him.

My subconscious was keenly aware that he was the one for me.

Definitely don't settle. In the meantime, I do have a teensy-weensy piece of advice that you can take or leave: try and date some guys that you respect and that are kind. Then give them a chance to win your heart.

abby said...

good advice mj.