Saturday, November 20, 2010

Meditations in an Emergency

Perhaps this post has been a long time coming. Bubbling underneath all else that is there, forming in my (young? mid?) life. I sit here writing this on the carpet of my living room floor, tucked between the couch and coffee table (used as my desk) while the hard, fast winds blow outside. In fact they are so hard at this moment they almost threaten to blow my house down. To be honest I don't recall the winds ever being so hard here in the valley as they have been this year. It's November and you could easily fly a kite. They have this habit of blowing hard and fierce and then settling into a dead stillness and all is quiet except for the cars going by the busy street just a house down from me. And it is here, on this floor, between the couch and coffee table, I find myself, with a wet head and freshly showered, listening to the winds and in a contemplative mood.

This is not really an emergency. But everything seems to be when making decisions in life. And you know? My life, looking back, seems lead rather than that I made decisions about it. Sure, I made them, but given the opportunities, the chances and the opposite, I think I had to do what I did the whole time. And I have yet another several choices to make again. And they all seem to hinge on other people/circumstances deciding my fate for me

So now I contemplate what I need to do to keep this roof over my head and the winds from truly knocking me down. Okay, it's probably not that dark and dire. In fact it isn't. I'm getting dramatic. Things are for the most part good here. At least work wise. My social life, that's something else entirely. I either get what I want now (to move to DC and feel like a normal human being again) or something comes up great enough here that makes me want to stay (which is a possibility, at least in the short term and I can't even talk about it here until it happens).

And also I meditate. I meditate, but not on my life. In fact you are not supposed to think of your life or have any thoughts at all. The idea is to empty your mind of thoughts and then let whatever happens, happen. I'm not very good at this sometimes. And to be honest, it is very hard for me to give up that control...but I do try. Sometimes I do this by closing my eyes and just listening to nothing and everything and sometimes through a guide and sometimes when I go to my group on Wednesdays and sometimes through just prayer (though usually that's more me talking to God and then waiting for Him to answer a bit later through life lessons and such). Anyway I do it, I don't do it, as I hardly do anything in my life, consistently. Still, the life lessons and realizations and ideas come to me through (quite magically) just living my life.

What I'm trying to say here is nothing really at all. Nothing maybe half of you will find poignant or useful. But here I am, fretting again, and probably I'll be okay wherever I am...this time though, through all my meditating and trying to figure it out, I feel like I'm just waiting. Waiting on something I don't know. DC, well everything points to that. Or it seems to. But this is not even about DC. It seems everything in my life is on hold for some reason. So to me that is somewhat of an emergency...or at least a cause for a bit of panic. A calm, quiet panic. A panic about nothing? Possibly. I feel drawn to certain things and usually that's an indication that I'm headed in that direction and the universe and heavens above conspire to support me in that direction. But right now I'm waiting and wondering if I have it right. This is my decision, right? I sit here contemplating that, among a hundred other things (taxes, new projects, why my chickens still haven't laid eggs, about what my mom will freak out about next that I can't actually discuss with her anymore and of course DC and my next career move). It's all working through my head like this forceful wind outside. I'm just sitting here in this little whirlwind and trying to get myself to a place where I can settle and listen instead of panic but wondering if all the meditation in the world will really make anything happen or make me any happier or what really I'm even doing here (in Utah, in my life, in everything I'm doing right now).

And the music in the background playing on my laptop is soothing and writing this out is cathartic, even though I can't give too many details. Still, they are filled with a thousand hopes for what my future might be. And in it all I'm really okay and this wind will settle.

And I'm just going to sit here and continue to meditate on that.

2 comments:

abby said...

I have felt moments in my life where I felt things were in a holding pattern with me wanting to make things go forward but nothing was happening. It's an odd place to be. Writing it out helps, however, this is where being patient comes in. I also add going to the temple for meditation and a little extra spiritual boost. Things will happen but they happen have to happen at the right time. Read this talk. It helped me

http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=684

SJ said...

I've read that before. Thank you for reminding me of it. Abby, I love you! You are one of the people that makes where you are so attractive to me. You are one of my favorite people there.