Monday, September 27, 2010

And I was like baby, baby, baby, ohhhhh thought you'd always be mine

Ran into my ex-bf yesterday. It's not that hard to do, actually. We live three blocks away from each other. So awkward (and yet another reason to move to DC...and also possibly why we kept getting back together for four freaking years). It was very awkward. I went on a walk through the hood to my particular house of worship and there he was. A little stilted conversation and then 5 minutes later we were both done. Ugh, I really need to move out of Utah. The thing is I can't believe I loved him so much at one point that I totally lost my head and was "this" close to giving up eternity for him. Really! I was. How scary is that? I mean I was head over heels in love with that boy. And he made me choose between him and God and for a while I was actually choosing him over God! I feel so ashamed and ridiculous about the whole relationship and my role in it. I did his laundry! I cleaned his house! I took care of his little boy and endured countless hours of boring video games and flat screen TV shopping and his insults that I chose to believe all just for him. and now? I cannot even imagine going through life, let alone 5 minutes more, with him in it. Waste of time? no. I learned from it a lot. A lot. Definitely a lot about co-dependence and red flags. But wow, I can't believe I was that in love. And yesterday running into him? I felt sad for him. Sad that he will always be stuck the way he is. And I was glad I ran into him just for the reminder and to realize how that love feeling is so astonishingly, so totally not there anymore.

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