Sunday, February 07, 2010

Title this one wrestling with your mind and the dilemma of integrity

I couldn't sleep last night. This is odd because I'm an excellent sleeper. I usually get my 7-8 hours no problem. I sleep through minor earthquakes. I dream vivid dreams. Life, in sleep land, is usually very good for me.

Yet there I was last night (this morning) at 3 am, unable to drift perchance to dream. Then that rolled into 5 am, 6 am and finally, FINALLY, I think I slept around 6:30 or so.

Just woke up. It's noon 20 here. Church is in 40 mins. I am eating buckwheat pancakes and contemplating getting ready and going. Still groggy. I know I need to go but a part of me just wants to sit here and wake up a little more instead.

If I get there on time it means no shower. I could technically get away with this. But still, the world is better after a shower (and smooth legs). I'm fully aware I'm procrastinating here by having this conversation.

A part of me just wants to use this as an excuse not to go. Half the congregation won't be there (Super Bowl) anyway, right? Lest you think I just want to stay home and watch that instead I should admit right now I don't even know who's playing.

But I know me and my patterns. I'm consistently late every Sunday. Especially lately. Also, if I don't go it's easier not to go again. I've been there, I know this about myself. So I know it's a matter of integrity and being true to my own commitment to go.

I say all this because I know not only are there people reading this that identify with this conversation in my head but because we often have these conversations about lots of things. There is this "always, already listening" voice inside each of our heads that evaluates everything (without us even asking it to).

"If I don't go, I'm bad"
"If I don't go, I'm lazy"
"If I don't go, I'm letting down the pioneers"
"If I go, I will be late and everyone will know I'm late"
"If I go then I am giving up "me" time"
"It's not a big deal to go and I don't get anything out of it anyway"

It's important to know what this "always listening" is saying to you, to recognize what is keeping you from your commitments and keeping your own word to do something.

Think about this not just with church, with things you say you'll do in life. You'll commit to a workout program, or eat healthier or save to go to Paris, grad school. Whatever it is that you don't do but say you will, or only do half heartedly and give up. You have to pay attention to that voice inside of you that talks you right out of the things you say you want to do but don't. You have to reevaluate what it is you say you really want in life.

I really like using Nike in this instance "Just do it".

So despite my sleeping in, possibility of lateness, trying to talk myself out of going, etc. It comes down to my commitment to myself to get some spiritual fulfillment today.

So after all that, it's now noon 45. And I'm going. Late, but I'm going.

1 comment:

abby said...

Glad you decided to go to church today. Church was canceled here and I miss it.