Thursday, February 08, 2007

Riddance


(This is a picture of him, not a good picture cuz he just doesn't take good pictures and I just don't take lots of pictures. But this is him)
So I'm not sure I am ready to do this, but a part of me feels the push to at least try - so here goes. It's totally (maybe, hopefully, really this time) over between me and b (for something like the fourth or fifth time, but how many times can one do this and not just say it's gotta be over for real this time?).

A part of me is mad at myself for putting myself through it and wasting all that time and I now look at it and realize how he really actually was all wrong for me in so many ways (and I somehow still liked him so much more than I
should have - why'd he have to be so damn cute and charming)...but then I don't regret one minute of it really. Because I learned and grew and may have come out of this a slightly different person. I mean I'm me, but a me that was sorta inside and come out now because he gave me a reason to let it, to give myself permission to not be so hard on myself. I think I just beat on myself all the time for every little thing and worried too much about what other people thought and for some reason he was the one to help me see it. And I loved him for it.

I cried a lot these past two days. cried till 5 in the AM and now it's all just gone and over and I'm spent. But I still love him, differently, but I think he'll always be in my now half-eaten heart.

A part of me is angry at him, angry because he couldn't be the person I wanted, the person I saw in him that he could be sometimes but not all the time. but also because he didn't want me, at least half the time he didn't want me...and half the time he couldn't help himself and had to have me and it was all so confusing because I wanted him all the time.

I don't want him back, but part of me misses his miserable self...though I feel more sorry for him and the world he lives in. Of course he truly liked, possibly loved me, I know it, I felt it, I lived with it...but a part of him could never be all mine and part of him could never love me wholly because he doesn't even love himself.

And that's where he is and I think I can accept that's how it is now and leave him a piece of my heart and move on.

2 comments:

Devon Ellington said...

Break ups always suck, even when you know it's the right thing to do. You can love someone like crazy, but still can't be with them on a daily basis.

Take time, grieve, and don't rush into the next relationship,so you don't repeat the pattern. Give yourself alone time, and enjoyment time, and time to heal, so you draw the best possible person to you.

Feel better soon, and best wishes.

SJ said...

Thanks. I was actually talking to a love doctor today for one of my interviews. I've talked to him before when I interviewed him about why opposites attract and he and I talked about my relationship so he knew a little about it. He said the whole getting close and pulling away thing probably does have more to do with past phobias and little to do with me. He also told me about different love languages. Kind of enlightening. I think I'm actually handling this quite well, actually.

Thanks for the wishes