So I'm getting a little transcendental these days. I've taken back to yoga, and now I see my workplace as a meditation for my ego.
I see signs everywhere these days, literal signs for "psychic arts and intuitive sciences" and I think I need something more than just sitting through church, but what I need is Christ in my life, to invite him to nourish my soul, and feed my bones with his goodness. And still I feel as though I search for answers beyond the ones I've been given. It's the same old thing I left long ago, but never really left at all...religion. But I still believe in going to my church. Sometimes that's where I need to go most, especially when I really don't want to. There is goodness and spirit there, if I open myself to it. Even in a place like Provo. Even when they challenge some guy to get married in six months and I am inclined to roll my eyes and suffer through the blasphemous embarrasement.
There's much in my own personal testimony of the gospel I've been raised in, at the core of it, and experiences I have had which I cannot explain how exquisite they have been and how real and tangible these doctrines of my religion...but I am for some reason, a wanderer in a strange land of constant questions. Some things I cannot quite explain, even though I had experiences and feelings indicating there is truth there. A truth-seeker should find the truth some day and and hold on to it. And I do in my own weird way. But ever looking for the answers all the same.
My intern told me conversion is a life-long process. She's a convert from Norway. Very religious girl. Reminds me of me, when I was a teenager. She even prayed the computer would work for me again when it was acting up-and it did, even though I thought her eccentric for it.
What I have felt the past little while is that I am on a journey for a stronger spiritual awareness. Just today I was driving down the road and felt like I need more thought of Christ in my life. For some time I've seen my own culture and religion as a weakness, a barrier to critical thought. But it's only hardened me, and what good is ever-learning, ever-criticizing if you aren't willing to find the real truth in the end? Especially when you know the truth? Someone said it's like pointing to the moon. If you look at your finger, you don't see the moon. It's not about people at BYU, or people in the gospel, it's the spirit of truth at the core of the religion we share. It's that feeling I get that it's just right, even when I can't explain it. Because, given my own experience, it's just something that you know.