Friday, May 06, 2005

Fear and Yoga in the Countdown

Got up early this morning. Shot up out of bed with this thought running through my mind. Just two days left. I was beside myself. Am I doing the right thing? Is this really what I'm doing? It has seemed all like a dream, like one big long vacation, since I made the decision to go. What am I doing? I had to calm down. It's okay, I told myself. Breathe. Tried to get myself to go back to bed. Hugged the big, warm blanket around my body and over my eyes to create the illusion of darkness. Snuggled into my pillow and went back to sleep. An hour later I was up again. Calmer. Read a little bit and tried to get my mind off of my fears. Did some yoga in my pj's on the hard wood floor in the music room by the kitchen. I'm staying at MJ, Tom and Ace's for the week. Mom arrives this evening and we'll stay together till Sunday. Yoga is good medicine. Breathe in, breathe out, and trust the universe.

Had breakfast after yoga, Berry Berry Kix with vanilla rice milk. Read an old newspaper, did some laundry, straighted up my room and got ready for the day.

Now sitting here, in the Arlington County public library, on a generic computer clustered with other public computers, and public library goers. The thought creeps back. I believe myself to possibly be in a state of shock. I don't want to think about what I'm doing, that I'm going, that I'm leaving the known for the unknown. I am leaving good friends, a great city, to live in exhile, in Utah. Okay, I'm maybe being harsh. I feel so in limbo and I've no idea what to expect. Maybe I should expect nothing and just let the road bend. Maybe I should be more like yoga. Allow myself to stretch and bend and be more flexible, to not fear a new pose.

Now sitting at the off-white center, cross-legged, shallow breath, noticing tensed back and shoulders. I remember to relax. I remind myself I am being a pessimist, that life could not possibly be as dismal as I am dreaming it up to be. I remember why I'm going there, that there is a purpose in it, and a very good one. That I want to be a writer, a reporter. That I know in my gut this is where I need to go, that I have felt it. That I need to utilize my resources and contacts there. And I have felt strongly that my family needs me. And then I am reminded of how powerful a force my family can be, how important we are to one another. For some reason, at this time, it is important for me to be with them for a little while. I don't know why, I don't ask. I take a deep breath. And like a good little yogi, remember to be at peace with whatever happens. Let the Universe, let God, guide.

No comments: