Dating an Infomercial

At least he wasn't a space invader, at least he wasn't a serial killer, at least he wasn't a fruity skinny guy with fluffy hair that tried to convert me to the virtues of a raw food diet. But, well, he actually was that last one.

It wasn't the diet that got me. It's a little different, not for me, or 99.9% of the planet, but good for him for sticking to something he believes in, right? It was the rest of the perfect package of weirdness and misguided ignorance that followed. It's in my nature to unabashedly probe. Try to make a living at it as a journalist. Served me tonight. I listened with glee as "the date" expounded on truths of the ages, according to him: the virtues of not obtaining a college education, how being active in religion, in my religion, had nothing to do with attending any of the church activities, and of course, the icing on the cake, was the part about the health retreat he was to conduct to teach people how to "unclog" and "cleanse" through a spiritual vegan diet that had some sort of link with being Mormon.

Now I really can't judge here. I was a vegan at one point in my life. For three years. I did plenty of cleansing. And to be fair, this guy was very tender and kind and sincere in his beliefs, however misguided. It isn't the diet, or the fruity retreat (which actually sounded interesting, if for nothing more than to meet lots of bizarre health nuts-you know me and my love for weirdos). It was the misguided justification for his beliefs. In my faith, that would be Mormon, in most faiths, you do actually have to participate to be counted as active in that faith. Vegetarianism is also not a principle of our faith. It is not the "next step" (as he referred to it) in our faith. Meat eaters are, I do believe, allowed into heaven. But believe only what you want to and disregard the rest, man. Oh, and believe it or not, education, college education will take you a good deal of the way in life. At least according to several studies that show the connection between education and a higher household income.

The fanaticism was highly entertaining, however. And it was admittedly amusing to hear him tell me how I ought to go about my career (it involved not obtaining a degree, which I've already got and definitely need to be taken anywhere near serious in my profession. And possibly by-passing my editors and just putting whatever the hell I wanted on the air, which would get me fired). There was almost a fanaticism, an excitement about how his ideas could change my life. The evening also came complete with made up stories on so and so and how his ideas had changed their life. How many lives he'd changed for the better. It was like I was in the audience on an infomercial. Just waiting for the, "and all this, not for $59.99, but a low, low price of $29.99 while my wisdom lasts". I even got invited to his little "retreat" full of like-minded individuals ready to teach me the truth. So maybe he'll start a cult and I can say I knew him when as he appears on the evening news. It's cool, right?

Other more minor complaints were about not opening my door, not walking me to the door, and yapping on his cell phone while driving on the freeway during the date, and for an extended period of time, and with another girl.

Tempted to go to the retreat. Won't go. But tempted. If just to make some crazies my new personal friends. Made him take me home early. He wasn't happy about that. Almost didn't take me home, actually. Once again was invited to the retreat, which included a cayenne cleanse and spiritual yoga. Sounded utterly fascinating, but said I'd be busy. This is true, I will be. I'll be out finding a story at the Living Traditions Fest. And me and Mr. guru? We aren't a match. See, even if continued just for my own sheer entertainment, it would end as soon as he tried to turn me into ecclesiastic authorities for not eating wheat meat.


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