Answer in the Question

Went to see Secret Machines a few nights ago. Went with Dirty D. It's been ages since we've seen each other. We started out at NPR together. She's still there. She made it, I did not (getting gigs there is sort of like playing the lotto). Sometimes I'm so jealous. I like to think I don't get jealous, but I do. But she's always good to talk to, anyway.

Dianna's a tall, thin, young woman, with Peter Pan hair and the composer of a goddess. She's the kind that doesn't wear makeup. For her it's just too much fuss, but she doesn't need it anyway. It struck me last night how she always thinks of me more than I even think of myself. She's also got a gift for giving good advice, and showing up when you need her. Heaven knows why I don't hang out with her more often.

I told her about my dilemma, about the Communications position open, about how they really like me there, about how steady it is and what good pay it is (oh, it'd be so nice to not have to worry about money, to be able to take off for a weekend in London, or fly home more often). It's nothing I would have chosen for myself (walking generals to the bathroom because of security issues). She knows this. I know this. I'm a writer.

An assistant in the communications department of a large, international defense subcontractor? Me? I'm a pacifist! The only reason I agreed to temp there is because they make planes instead of death machines. Somehow I've been able to justify that at least they don't intend to kill people.

Well, D looked me straight in the eye and said,"Go for what you want. This is going to be a dead-end job. You will be there two years later and still wondering what to do". She's right. It seems so nice, so steady. Everyone's so nice, especially my boss. I've made friends there. But she's right. It's so tempting. It seems all set up so well. I was thinking maybe God wanted me there. Everything else I've been trying has been so tough and this, well, I could just walk right into this. Why is this so easy? I don't know. But I do know that in the end I'll still want to write.

It seems I keep inserting what I think God wants me to do, and it seems I keep thinking he doesn't expect much from me, but I think that's just me not expecting much from Him. Don't take that the wrong way. What I mean is that I keep thinking He doesn't want me to go for what I want, that because I keep going and going and nothing has gone where I want it to that I think it's because of Him. But I was born with the tenacity to keep going, to bounce back. For all I know God saw this time in my life and gave this personality to me.

Maybe all God wants is for me to be an honest person, to use my time here to uplift my fellow beings, and the rest is up to me.