The thing is I have never been in this sort of a situation. He's good to me. Really, really good to me. He tells me I am beautiful. He carries stuff for me. He opens the door for me. He goes shopping with me. He even hooks me up with really influential people and takes me to nice places. And he makes good money. My last boyfriend? Well, if you've read this blog or have known me for the last five years you know he was pretty much the boyfriend from hell. And this is what blows my mind. I was in that relationship, obsessed with making that relationship work for four years! Yet I've done nothing but put up objections to this current relationship.
The fear is that I'm perpetuating this horrible stereotype men have about women liking jerks...So do I really just want a controlling jerk? I had to think about that. Really examine myself here. I concluded a couple things:
a) I know I jumped in way too fast and am afraid of getting totally absorbed into a relationship and losing my sense of independence like I did in my last relationship. I've expressed this part to J. He gets that and swears he's not pushing me into anything (although he kinda did a lot of convincing before we were official)
b) (and this is the hard part to admit to J) I'm not crazy about him. I'm not crazy-in-love.
I'm missing what I think should be there - that passionate butterfly connected think about you all the time feeling. I like him but I'm not crazy about him. And shouldn't I be with someone I'm crazy about?
I called my mom about this the other day. I called her up and asked her whether I should break up with him (she has already Facebook stalked J and decided he's got kind eyes and therefore must be wonderful). She tells me the butterfly crazy thing is a trick of nature and doesn't last and I should go for the good, steady bet. She married my dad on that. He is the good, steady bet. A man who would never cheat or lie or steal and they have a great marriage. But as she tells me this I sigh and wonder if she just settled.
what you need to know here, and it's a little shocking when I tell it, she wasn't actually in love with my dad when she married him. She married him because, and she readily tells me this, he could provide for a family and she could trust him. Isn't that lacking? Where's the passion, the thrill in that? And yet there they are with this rock of a marriage. And she tells me she grew to love him by sharing a life with him. She grew to be in love with him.
I don't know if this advice is good. If this is how it is for generations and generations. If it's better to choose the good and wait for the passion or to continue seeking until you hit what may be a mythical perfect fit.
There seems to me to be so much of life set up that way. You only get one life to live and learn from and it's tough to make those calls when you don't really know what you are doing or if anybody else really does either.